Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Are you there god? its me Jamie....

I miss my Family... I miss my old house I miss that feeling of togetherness...and HOME... I miss random trips to the beach and Family dinners and I miss my old room that we painted green.. and the messy garden and all the leaves we had to rake and sitting on the deck with the pretty lights at the beach.. I miss cooking for everyone..
Dad and I are not speaking and its making things even more crappy....I'm just so angry at him!! I miss my little family.. I miss our house and all its flaws...and the old door we said we would always replace someday.. and that messy garden..oh boy I have never seen more species of bugs that I did in that garden..
And when Madie brought home a Pumpkin seedling and that thing GREW into an insane plant that looked like it would eat you if you got too close! produced one pumpkin by the way!

I miss my LIFE.... I feel so Sad.... I miss my beautiful wedding ring set that now hangs out in a little box on my dresser.. miss family pictures of love and happiness that now reside in my spider filled basement in a dirty ass box...some even cracked during the move....I miss making memories...together. I don't want to do this alone anymore..
I miss my family most of all... an ache that just keeps on giving... I mean I guess if anyone wanted to see me they would... I dunno. Everyone just looks so happy like I never existed....We were family...It meant the world to me.
I feel sick to my stomach. :(
I had my therapist yesterday and had a good blubbering cry that gave me a terrible headache and I just wanted to go to bed after... She is really cool and put a few things into perspective but I still felt sad and went home and drank too much wine.
yeah...that helped. :(
My sweet girl was up and ready to party today at 530 am this morning and boy that little face... oh my little lovebug. Now fast asleep on her blanket... What will I do when she gets bigger?....Hire a hot male nurse? lol... Its very scary to think about doing this alone forever...growing old alone.. Not exactly what I signed up for. eh?
Well I guess that is enough depressing shit for one day...Feeling sick to my stomach again.


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