Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Positve Patty

Going to take a Positive Patty route today for once! If I can type this up without my monitor blacking out several times...UGH I want a new computer SO BAD!!!

The Good?!
Well FINALLY getting Madies new chair on Feb 9th. BEYOND ready. GI appointment tomorrow in Hartford..Don't expect too much aside from a lot of driving back and forth..Going to change her button too. But I feel pretty confident that I could do that myself.Hsvent been too thrilled with GI just very..I dunno. Impersonal. (is that right word)-"Not existing as a Person; Having no personality"

Like when Madie had surgery we saw him before the surgery and I think that was it! Not even to check on her...That surgery was ROUGH. Poor baby girl was very upset..there must have been like eight teams of people who came and gave us "game plans". We just make appointments when we follow up. Even when the button FELL OUT I did not get a call or even a suggestion to come in. All worked out in the end but still...
Im certain Dad wants to give him a punch in the nose... I have been going back and forth with the button...have not really had to use it as kiddo has been drinking very well...But its always good to have like say if she is sick or just wont eat.. I barely use the pump anymore..that stupid thing almost always alarms in the middle of the night telling me it is out of feed and its still practically full. Madie gets wrapped in the tubing as well. Me and the Pump just don't get along. And lugging it back and forth to dads is even a bigger pain. Ill always miss that good ol one household...:/ Who knows...

Been hangin in there for the most part...everyone is getting along and just one day at a time. Was at my favorite breakfast spot yesterday having my awesome 6 dollar breakfast and the waitress said she had seen Madie's Grandma there.. I told her I had not seen her in awhile my heart kind sank... But I read my book and ate my breakfast which was amazing. I dunno...
Im reading a book about a woman who falls on her head at the Gym and wakes up not remembering the last 10 years of her life...She wakes and has three kids and a husband who is divorcing her and fighting for custody of the kids...EEK. It moves a little slow but I am intrigued. What Alice Forgot.
Bought a new Travel bag for vacation too..its super cute. :) I am kinda nervous about the trip and the ONLY thing I dread is getting up at 330 in the morning to catch that 6 am flight out of Hartford! But I am so stoked. And I hate non direct flights! bah. We will play in the water every day and shop till we drop and eat yummy food and swim with the happy captive dolphins!! lol My friend and I may take turns on the water slides...SOMEONE has to loose a bathing suit top! LOL
I wish Dad was going with us a family very much...that would certainly be ideal..But I am bringing my dear friend whom I have known awhile with us.. STill pretty stoked. I hope its not too hard with Madie and all her "stuff". I plan on getting a good burn and forgetting the Aloe..kind of a long standing tradition...;)

Miss Madie has been doing well. Very giggly and happy girl lately.. I don't want to jinks anything! Seizures I guess are the same...I don't want to jinks any of that either. I am always on the edge of my seat worrying that she will have a big seizure and maybe she has but I don't hear? I dunno...some nights I have the space heater on cause I live in a place where when the windows are closed and the heat is on you would never know... SO maybe the buzz of the heater blocked out any noise...or maybe she has not had one....I couldn't say. I don't like to speak of it!
Epilepsy is a part of our lives..
Shes at school now and I always worry that her day is so long that she will be pushed to overtiredness... But my big girl always makes it thru! (unless she is sick) And I am so proud of her lil self. She laughs and laughs and warms everyones heart. My heart explodes when we are just hangin in our jammies on my bed watching Moms shows and shes laughing and shaking her rain stick distracting me! I love to tickle her feet its so funny. Than the cat gives me that look...LOL The death ray!!

sigh...Well guess I don't have much to ramble about today. not looking forward to lugging out to Harford tomorrow but mid as well get er done. Been feeling okay lately aside from my back kinda hurting but not terrible. gotta get to target and grab a few things today and get more laundry done. hope everyone is well.


Friday, January 8, 2016

Frrrrriday heyheyhey

Thank you all for your heartfelt comments...I need the love right now. One of your comments came in twice but that is ok. lol I thought many times about writing a book about myself and about love and loss and raising a disabled child and depression and alcoholism.. ya know the SANE stuff..But just havent. I guess I could start one page at a time I dunno.

I also am probably the only person who doesnt have WORD on her computer. I have to get myself out of this pit of despair! I feel so beat up..
Christmas is all packed away and Madie has been back at school doing her thing. I dunno all is pretty calm I suppose.
Woke up in the middle of the night with shooting lower back pain and almost had to take some advil or something but it eased up after a bit...but MAN... ugh. I feel so old. Did you know that American Idol has been on for 15 seasons?? 15! That's a geezer moment for ya! LOL
Trying to just keep on...OH and the same one who told me that I don't know who I am blamed me for the demise of things..telling me it was my fault. DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I BLAMED MYSELF???? That I could have given more..?? Well ya know what when one is not receiving anything its hard for the other to feel the love and that is how I DONT blame myself....Two to Tango. And really...even after that storm calmed a couple days later I still have not seen an apology...

And we are. Friday at last... I have been flying solo with Madie while he was on vacation with the family and horse face... (did not know that till her ADORABLE selfie from New Years surfaced...)
I am very much ready for some Jamie Time..I will probably cry when he drives off with my lil bug this weekend but I NEED some rest... I have to go with it. I have too. I am thinking a little Thai Food and a movie on demand or something sounds SO nice tonight. I call it THIGH Food...LOL Its so so so GOOD! The place is weird and had little Christmas lights up all year round and closes in the middle of the day than re opens at Its also a BYOB place which makes up for the 14 dollar pineapple rice!
So yeah...
OH also in about a month the make a wish granters will come with our wish delivery! Our flight leaves out of Hartford at SIX AM...WHEW> They will come and bring us our itinerary and tickets and spending debt card etc and we will eat some pizza or meet up someplace and GET this going! Feb 19th cant come soon enough! I cant wait to swim with those happy captive dolphins! Madie is going to love all the water play and the aquarium (yes there is an aquarium!) Oh man..still doesn't feel real.
Hope everyone is well and hangin in there. Happy Holidays or Festivus or whatever your families celebrate :) Im feeling the love! Sorry I have to moderate comments.. A long while back we were all getting comments written in Chinese they were flooding into a few blogs...and since I put a "check before publish" per say It has worked. lol
XO have a great weekend folks.
HEres some funny pictures I have mustered up for your viewing pleasure. yes that is from an actual kids book...I laughed so hard! I really like funny pictures....

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Who is Jamie?

Jamie is a Survivor. And not from the fancy hyped up T.V show winning a million dollars..
A survivor of ALOT loss. From the time I was 16 and my father was wheeled out of my house on a stretcher suffering what would turn out to be a fatal heart attack...And being left with a mother who suffered from addiction to her prescriptions and terrible depression..(probably a huge reason why I hate pills..but love my wine...)
She than passed away the year after of overdosing...but that is another story...But its one of the reasons I am a survivor. I have also lost my Best friend to cancer when she was only 22...and oh lets Uncle.. My favorite CAT...My Family My Husband...ya know... not much. I fear loss ALOT. I wish I had family surrounding me every day and did not have to be in this chilly apt alone..(well with my lilk bug)
Who is Jamie? Someone who will remain nameless told be that they refuse to be with anyone who doesn't know who they are..someone who turned my life upside down!! ANYHOO...
Maybe they mean career driven? Okay well let me go and get me a nice job(with my panic attacks) and get calls every week to come get Madie or have her get sick for a week at a time or lets say that Madie has a bad seizure the night before and wakes up very grumpy and sleepy..and I send her in because mom has to work at some shitty bagel shop or Target...and I get the call mid shift saying I must come get her... cause maybe she had another seizure or is crying all day and no one an console her. OOOO Lets make some neuro, GI, Ortho, and Pediatrician appointments while we are at work too...!!! Its a very touchy subject when someone tells me to go get a Job. Madie is my Job... I kinda had that thrust upon me. But it was good to know that that is ALL I identify myself as.... And no they did not tell me to get a Job...for the record.
Who is Jamie?
Jamie is a Mom of course well DUH.
When I was a kid I loved to ride my bike down one of the biggest was an unfinished development and at the top was just dirt and open space..I could get to the top of the hill huffing and puffing..(me and my best friend of course) and we would just do a countdown at the top and coast all the way down.. no helmets no padding no fancy bike with 800 gears on it..Just us and the wind and our bikes.
I feel incomplete. I don't think that signifies that I don't know who I am..Im just incomplete...When I was married and I had my family and we all were together I felt complete. And well its been said CMON JAMIE GET OVER IT ALREADY.
This is loss to me. this is mouring loss like a death to me!
I want that wind in my hair feeling...of just conquer the world and no fears and HAPPINESS.
Who is Jamie? I don't know who I am cause I am not happy?? that's crap.
I had to pick up and change my life when I did not want to change my life! Maybe it sounds like a lame ass excuse at this point while everyone has happily moved on without me around. Have you ever spent a holiday completely alone?? have you ever just ached in your heart so very much that you want to explode! Have you ever seen pictures of the family you love so much having parties without you? ITS AWESOME!!!
I am beyond relived that the holidays are over..I kept getting one lame answer after the next as of why it just was not time for madie and I to stop by...than I am told that the new girl is there.. The BIGGEST horse face I have ever seen...she looks like she is aged but still stuck in 1993... I called him the biggest Jerk ever and told him that its the one day I can see family and he takes it away from me. That is ALL I will say about Christmas. yeah...I think he felt like an asshole after that one.....
I say every year that THIS year has to be better than that last! HAS TO BE! I have since more or less gotten over Christmas at this point...but really??
HAS TO BE BETTER!! No one wants to deal with it anymore...ITS TIME TO MOVE ON JAMIE...look how happy we all are with Horse face now! :D!!

In the meantime there is no time to be all sad when a lil Madie needs her mom! But you melt down anyways.
Jamie is lonely. I am tired of feeling abandoned. Don't tell me I don't know who I am!!
Go ahead and tell me I am a nobody than. Go ahead and tell me that I don't matter anymore because I know that is not true and I know that I do my best I can. Im not a career woman...Im not a marathon runner...Im not a freaking rocket scientist.
Im Jamie. Im pretty freaking awesome for whomever wants to see that...Maybe I just have this big wall up and just don't want to let others in right now...

Jamie is Jamie and well..shes a tough nut to crack.. She is taking quite a Journey and lives one day at a time and Yes she gets terribly sad and lonely sometimes but can also be terribly happy..Family means the world to her and she wants to take care of her own someday again..there is so much love in my heart..:( But in the meantime yeah maybe I am "JUST" madies mom...But a hilariously funny and good lookin one. I have so much love in my heart that no one takes..and I also have anger and resentment in my heart that people steer clear of...maybe folks just don't want me around! Who Knows. PSHT. LOL

Peace Out. End of Rant. Sorry Folks.
Be safe tonight folks the 5.0's are creepin. Stay home! Im just glad we don't have to watch shaky Dick Clark anymore....cause Seacrest has such dreamy veneers.. lol

Me. Or Jamie? Or Madies Mom? Or a Martian??
Happy New Year!!!

I signed him away with a smiley face....even though my soul was being ripped out.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

I dont know how..

Today I am lacking sleep. I am pretty burned out just from life in general..I love the holidays but I hate them just as much.
The tree is pretty Christmas lights are up..Going to see my side of the family on the 19th for our family Christmas extravaganza...I am pretty pumped...its great Christmas cash and some of us only see each other once a year!

Madie is ok, She had a seizure yesterday and the drop seizures come in clusters almost every morning early..oh my little bug..
still some red tape that Medicaid throws out there like two months after we order her new ride...I have to bring Madie to pediatrician because she has not been in six months so we have to show that she has we can get the chair....sigh. :( So we will go tomorrow. Cant wait.

When things get overwhelming I began to have lots of resentment... I get sad and I get angry and passive aggressive...I get downright depressed!! I hate it!!
Being alone is getting OLD, Packing a bag every weekend for madie and not seeing her every weekend is getting OLD, having this ache in my heart is getting OLD. Living in this drafty oil guzzling apt is getting OLD. These bug bites all over my side are getting OLD!!
I don't know how to handle these things...the bug bite maybe I can...
I feel like I don't have any family in CT anymore....Divorce is a huge dynamic changer. Get ready for the zero invites and zero phone calls and zero contact and zero family dinners and zero vacations and zero anything...Get ready for seeing the one you loved most of your young adult life move on with some single mom with two kids in tow...get ready to see pictures of the four of them and their strollers and shit eating smiles... Get ready. Get ready to feel completely abandoned and replaced. Get Ready. (I am by no means blaming family...oh gosh I love them all so very much I always will. ALWAYS....)

Go out to Walmart big baby buy some of the best big girl panties like up to your waist tan ones!! and put on your ipod on and dance around your apt and cherish being alone..!!.cry some and maybe even have some wine if you so a funny movie tease the cat and make her fall off the bed and call her a dummy... Scream "FUCK IT" at the top of your lungs...breathe.

Then move on... Realize that you have the best of him...Madie..The best ever. The best kid. The best sweet girl ever. That YOU get to see her every day and kiss her and hug her and give her tub tubs and watch silly shows together at night..YOU. (ME!!) Know that you DO have family even though they live farther away and maybe its just time to make new traditions and new memories...after all HE is...why the hell cant YOU!? Know that it is HIS loss...that HE is the one who left and that you loved him despite any flaws and that said and did a lot of crazy shit and you were angry and SCARED that you are certainly no princess thru all this... and by no means perfect...That you would have done all the work needed to just...stay a family...find trust and love...How do you come to grips that this life is FORVER? How do you overcome fears and anger and feelings of abandonment? When all your life people you love the most die or leave?? I have huge fears of huge.

Im really sorry for dumping all that on my reader(s)..I dunno who even reads this anymore..its supposed to be about Madie and her everyday life and now its turning into a dumping ground for my aching heart! UGH> I am blessed in so many ways I cant say that enough..I am just I dunno. I don't know how to pick up my pices and feel OK again. Feel Safe. Feel Warm. (geeze my feet are freezing!)
(I gotta take a break).....

How about a picture!

Oh my lil treasure! pictures make me smile! I am slacking my my Christmas cards maybe today after school Ill get some shots of kiddo..this one I posted is last years ONLY good I think that's what Ill do...dust off the ol camera...
And NO I do not own a pair of giant tan big girl panties!! I have however done all of the above my ipod has a pretty good mix!
Well...Im exhausted. Time to get moving and go grab some Milk and Cereal at the store. Ho Ha Hee Ho Ha Hee La La La La life goes on.