Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Nice time at the Pumpkin Patch on a weekday with Madie. We almost had the whole patch to ourselves which was nice and slighly spooky at the same time lol The sun came out after we got home but still got good pictures!
All is going in our little world today with as day off from school and a hot 75 degrees outside I guess we cant complain. And the hottie shirtless guy painting my duplex with his crotch in my window....whoah mama. LOL

Ok OK heres some pictures :) Most of them are on Facebook but if we are not FB friends than here ya go. :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Ketolicious.

The Tribe has spoken I am here typing another blog!
Alot has been going on in my world! My little love is a second grader now and pretty happy at her school :) The summer was good I did not put the AC on but once! I dont really know what to type today I guess I have just been kinda in my own world lately..
We have finally come to a crossroads with Madies Ketogenic Diet...This gal is not gaining the weight that she needs to be gaining...Its down to GAIN or TUBE in her tummy to make the food go down.. OR take her off the Diet and then what? Pediasure? Make her go hungry till she will eat solids?? Add Canola oil to her Keto shakes? She is supposed to drink FOUR Keto sippies...12 oz each EVERY day..I am lucky if I get three. Pushed for some time and extra month...Nurtritonist says that we are to get THREE ketos down madies hatch PLUS one Pediasure each day. Ok OK Ok Im going to try this but at same time its scary... I feel like all that sugar in that Pediasure is the worse thing I can give her. AND if she doesnt gain some weight on this regiment than its OFF the diet and even talk of changing her medicine that she has been on for years! :( Oh like the Depakote even works after the Diet was introduced...But who wants to risk doing that? I am NOT going for a ride on the lets try this med and that med Train AGAIN..more drugs in my baby girl..:( And who says that going off diet will have terrible results?? Do we risk it? what do I feed her? Doctor wont approve Ketocal anymore if we take her off..and pediasure full time? Oh Lord..Will Madie get into eating foods? Something more than a couple spoonfuls? :( Oh my Baby girl..
Its been little over a year since that day in court when I left the room with my Maiden name in hand...I cant say its been an amazing year but I am certainly stronger and more independent than I was..Even went on couple of dates with very nice guys..one we chatted all night and had a great ol time..I just did not feel that way about him..but hey whatever. Am I over my divorce? Nope. Am I over him? Nope. Do I want to commit to anyone right now? Nope. The two of us are in an ok place I suppose...we dont scream at each other or hate each other..I dont really understand him sometimes when he says sweet things or texts me good night...He MUST know that I MISS him SO much....that doing this whole single mom thing is so hard without him by my side..Is their guilt? Is there part of him that still loves me? Does he think we are going to be best pals?
Sigh... but for the life of me I wont tell him to stop even if I am left disapointed in the end... I knew he was the one for me for so long and now its no longer what he wants...so yep...
ONE day at a time.
In other news...I am going to get my day going I am loosing motivation here..Gonna be a long few weeks with Dad traveling and madie home early on weekends...hoping to get a good trip to the Pumpkin Patch in next week! And my Baby girl will be 8 on the 20th!! Maybe have a couple folk over for dinner if anyone is around..dunno yet. Oh and the Cat is still alive. Please just say a few prayers for Madie and even for her mama..keep our heads up and keep on keepin on.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Mistakes and Aches.

IM ALIVE!!!

I know I know...Man I have been so not motivated. Have you seen Sharknado??

Been feeling kinda down lately....have not been getting to my beloved meetings or my blog! and screwed up bad friday night. I really wont go into it but I have to go get my car tomorrow for an unknown price and face some hefty fines.
I have felt sad. I have felt alone...I have SO much to be grateful for...
I see a picture on facebook of my family folk from his side of the family and who is smack dab in the middle of the thing? HER. I lost it. I looked at her closely and I looked at him standing there in the picture and I lost it. I KNOW that the family loves me and I know that they are always there for me and madie...I know this. Family gatherings were just the best. and there she was. smiling like a chipmunk..with her stupid glasses...like she was part of the family. My replacement.The one who was better than me...better than Family...Better than our home..better than marriage... what is so great about her? She is certainly not that pretty....nothing to write home about..I hated her I hated him I hated myself for loosing it. they looked like they had fake smiles... I am stronger than this. And friday night I was not. It was not just the picture it was everything..
We had talked earlier and it was nice..we were talking about the time we took madie to florida when she was 10 months old and how it stunk that he was stuck in work meetings most of the time but Madie really liked the pool...and that the room was not that fancy but it was still fun...Then we talked about what she would do if she went to Disney... He tells me that someday we will go to Disney... I am confused...I dont question it I just ache a little...imagining it but not getting my heart into it..I can only see him and HER... Why does he say that stuff to me? Is she moving out? Is he really wanting to go to Disney with me and madie? Sure doesnt seem like she is going anywhere! My heart is so messed up. He knows I was broken by him and his actions...I dunno....then I see this picture taken at my favorite beach place to go... And then I have to fess up to him of my mistake..he is mad...I give him every right to be.. He says he will help me..maybe he does care a little...How would it ever work a second time anyway?? :( Guess I can cancel Disney eh? :-(

I long so much for my little family it aches. And there is nothing I can do about it...Time is all that heals that right?? Acceptance and Forgiveness?


In other news...Madie is almost done with summer school this is the last week! It flew by so fast. She also got a new hair cut with bangs...I was going to kill dad for doing it...I am not a fan of bangs but its hair....She is still cute. I had some pictures of her at this garden park before she got her bangs and she looks so pretty. WEll she is always pretty...

Been having an ok summer so far aside from things... Been to the beach a couple times... Also went to see the nutritionist about her keto diet...Oh man this diet...I long for madie to EAT. Such a think we all just do and dont think...we are hungry and we stuff it in! YUM we eat~ chew..taste...yum. Well...If madie does not gain any weight we have to take her off the diet. Take her off or a TUBE. A TUBE. in my baby girls tummy...forcing the calories and fat into her....I am trying the best I can to get her to eat but even Miles says she eats what she eats! She tall and skinny and 37 pounds...and 7. The docs says that it becomes a health concern and that her body and bones and muscles need to grow...I agree with this as well..but take her off the ketocal?? The ONLY thing that has brought her to life and taken SO many demon seizures away from her. My sweet girl was having a big seizure every week! And this diet...oh how I pray she can put on a few pounds before our next apointment.. I cant even think of an alternative...its just too much on my plate. Give her more Give her more...put oil in her sippy...more oil..less oil..get four meals in get five meals in no get four meals...I cant seriously spend an all day in and day out obsession with feeding allll the time...ugh.
And the food wont go down...and the weight wont go up. she sure gets taller! a little over three feet tall..
I guess that is all on my mind this evening...Maybe I gave up too much who knows...I dont think I have that many readers anyhoo...lol
I gotta watch True Blood now...love me my vampire shows!

Ill be ok. :) I have faith. I have too.

Me.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

My Higher Power...


I supposes its been awhile...School is almost over and summer break will begin for a couple weeks before summer program begins...Madie has been well...aside from a stomach virus that hit her a couple weeks ago with lots of vomit and lots of other smelly stuff...we have overcome it and here we are.
Its a rainy day in CT today but that is ok...waters my plants and cools us off for a bit. Weather has been so nice I wont complain if I am sweaty however! Winter seemed to never end!
Everything is going well...I am feeling alot stronger emotionally lately....

Accepting the things I cannot change.
My little family has been broken up for some time now...and I guess you could say I have always held on hope for the guy I used to know..the one who loved family..the one who loved me...the one who would do anything for me and his family...for me and Madie...I held on no matter what hurt my heart endured... I HELD ON. It was it for me. I believe in Marriage. Family. Boy do I ever. Accepting that Me and Madie are it is HARD. Letting him go on and live his life and trying to go on and live mine...separate. I do not wish this on anyone. The relationship we have now is strange. We still text every day..we talked about a time when we took a trip to NY and partied and drove home blasting funny music and laughing our buts off...back then he told me that it was the trip that he knew he wanted to spend his life with me.... bringing it back into my memory made me cry that day. I wanted to go to the bar and drink away my hurt....my longing for him to come back.. feeling stupid that I would even take him back when he has clearly chosen someone else over me.(Good Luck with that) I just cried. Part of me wanted him to tell me he was happy now...that he is content with his new life...but do I really want to know? He wont say if I ask him..that is the saddest part. why not? fear of hurting me? Kinda late for that eh?
I have been alcohol free almost 30 days. Its not something I will go in depth about but while going thru what I was going thru I drank ALOT. I had nothing together. I was tired, Anxious as all hell, Sad, depressed... and I wanted to escape. Its been very tough...I LOVE wine..the smell..the tastes...the effect... you get it.
That day talking about old times I wanted to go to the bar I got in my car and I began to drive there...(Madie had been picked up)I had to stop right before the turn into the parking lot and let an elderly man cross over the crosswalk. He had an equally as old dog with him..a small little thing. Well as he was crossing the dog became all nervous and he was practically pulling it across the street... All of a sudden the damn thing began to shit as it walked across the street! Thru my tears I began to laugh...
I drove past the turn and went to the grocery store instead and got a frozen pizza for dinner.
Divine Intervention??
Maybe So.
I feel its taken me 36 years to find my higher power...I get emotional saying that cause it really feels like a higher up is giving me strength to move forward...without a drink. without HIM. I have lived in fear and anger for TOO LONG. I have lived in panic attacks and hangovers and felt like SHIT. I cant do it anymore. I just cant. I have to be strong.
Accept the Things I cannot change. Oh dear lord I miss him every day...I miss the guy I knew...maybe part of me hopes he is still there trapped someplace and will come to his senses and be back....even after legally breaking us..begging to be back with his family...Its pretty sad. :( He was my love. I miss that Husband Man so very much. Its still very hard to imagine not growing old together...Sigh...I dunno.. Sorry. I feel overwhelmed with Madie sometimes and remembered how well we could Tag Team any situation with her..
I almost sold my rings...the guy at the jewelry store would only give me $550 for all the set...I took them back and said no way. Than I just cried....how could I part with these precious things..? I cant. Not Now.
I Feel like a different Jamie right now. Clear headed. Less Anxious. Less Depressed. Saying that I am over things would be a lie but I am in a better place. My sweet Madie..Oh how she has grown. I will always have the best part of him no matter what...and her pretty little face is right above! The Giggle. The kissable little cheeks. The hanging out with mom on the fluffy bed watching late TV...reading stories...having silly tub time blowing bubbles..sending her off to school each day rain or shine. And also having an AMAZING family on both sides who unconditonally love and support Madie and I OH my gosh I dont know what I would do without them! I love my family SO very much. I am so grateful. No one can top that or take that away from me. :)
Summer Break is soon and I really would love to get Madie to the beach for a few days at least. And how can I not go to the awesome Taco place and used book store as well? :)
We are good. Madie and Mama. Just Us.
I have to cut short realizing that the bus will be here soon with Madie San. Hope this blog was not too depressing. I am actually feeling pretty good. Broke but good.

XO
Me.