Saturday, August 19, 2017

Here we GO...its go time.

Ok I am going to try to type this bad boy up if Jakey Cat can stay out of my personal space... sigh.
ALOT kind going thru my head lately.. Shit may hit fan soon and well...I had to muster up a lot of guts..But I  HAVE too... Don't pull up into my driveway with a new GIANT truck and tell me you are broke.... then ignore me when I try to talk about it... Which I feel would make things ALOT  easier... does he know he did an asshole thing? Does he think that its no big deal that he bought that  thing? I wouldn't know....he wont speak to me right now.. I am NOT being sneaky with him and I have told  him that I have sought out council for this and well....he most likely wont say anything back but I told him... If anyone knew how much my back hurts and how much a small suv would help getting madie in and out of the car! I may need to obtain a doctors note about it but that should not be hard...and one that states that I have terrible anxiety for oh... 20 years... if need be. I think it will be all pretty strait forward... Shoot buy me a new CRV and we can call it even! LOL Ahhhhh!!

 I have found a great woman who is ready to help me seek more child support... Nothing is written up and I have NOT met with her yet but we had a great conversation about it...she ALSO has a special needs child and 2 other kids! She was ready to take me on and get things rolling. I seriously cried it felt like everything will be ok..  Monday she is in court in the morning for a custody case and will call me in the afternoon or Tuesday Morning. So..... yeah. Its scary. AND there will be a Eclipse! Are the stars aligned for this? Will my days of writing bad checks be over? Shit I hope and pray so....

Maybe I am a total asshole maybe folks will hate me now... I really don't know but I am doing this.. I have too!! I'm scared, upset and empowered at the same time... I always just had this fear of loosing him...Yes loosing him... in every sense..."Oh he will never come back now" kind of loss...The true "forever gone".....  He is a great dad to Madie and one of the only people I trust to care for her aside from myself! I am not doing any of this because he is a deadbeat cause he is NOT... He has never skipped any payments to me..dont get that idea.. I have always given him the benefit of the doubt because well I will always love him and still have moments of wishing he was here being my  teammate thru life.. I have known him half my life! I hate that any of this happened and wished I could go back in time and never have the stupid divorce... I'm not trying to screw him over I am trying to have some fairness here...and that giant truck is not fair. It was a last straw... It just was. I don't really know what else to say..  even a couple hundred more a month would be a victory for me.! Ive been instructed to just let things be and let the cards fall into place and let her to all the work and not to worry... So okay I wont.. But I will...
Sunday I am going out with my friend her treat for my 40th birthday... a few days late but I am looking forward to it. I will see Miss Madie Monday! And yes he was great for taking her that time so I can have lady time...

There is a new show on Netflix called Atypical...about a family with a teenage son with Autism..The kid is so spot on in his performance... There was a scene  near the end of Episode 3 when the father explains to his non autistic daughter why he left years before for 8 months.. (when she saw he was not in pictures from an autism event they go to each year) He said that before the brother was diagnosed he always thought he would get better and and when  he was diagnosed he was scared...and the mom threw herself into support groups and learning about special diets and Autism walks... and he just couldn't wrap his head around it... so he left and stayed at his fathers cabin and drank beers and was miserable. I seriously cried.... its a good show...heartbreaking and funny too... the way he takes things so literally its SO spot on...and the part where he and his dad go to the penguin exibit and they just stare at the creatures swimming around and dad jokes that maybe they get  tired of swimming... the son very seriously say they never do....He wants to find love and has such a hard time expressing it...Check it out...

I just need some support through this.. I am the fulltime MOM.  Hear me Roar. hashtag Awesome.

I guess that's all.
Madie bugger good btw! Only week and half till 5TH GRADE starts!! yes its nuts!!
Every little thing is gonna be alright... just keep swimming.. its go time. XO

Friday, July 28, 2017

Summer Rambles...

It was so crazy cause like a couple days later it was chilly high 50's low 60's... This kid loves the water! It took a few hours for the sun to warm it up but all in all successful! Gave her a bath in it 

Sitting here after a 2 week long haul without Dad and my back is NOT happy... I look forward tonight to grabbing some good food and a couple cold ones and decompressing! Sleeping in! Waiting for Miles to get here tonight is making this the longest day ever. lol
No hot dates...Just ME time and Quiet...plant some of my plants in new pots and weed my small garden... sit outside... hit the farmers some OH its HEAVEN! Although a hot date would be I have come to accept that It will be Me, Myself and I forever. Had a married with two kids ex boyfriend message me on fb once telling me he had a dream about me and that he and his wife are not happy.. Kinda the extent of the fellas these days...AWESOME..ugh. I don't go on those date websites.... I DID at the beginning but a lot of the guys are looking to cheat on their girlfriends or wives... Its true. So.... EH. Cancelled all that crap. I hate being divorced...I miss Family-Ness... I miss Beach dinners.. Togetherness before everything  got all screwed up and no one does anything anymore...
I am taking some  time off the week of my Birthday next month and I have no set plans... I was thinking of booking a camp site if I have any money... Just a couple days.. Or I dunno...a road trip? Maybe go see my family in Jersey? I have no clue.... As of now nothing. But its the first time I will have more than a day and a half off from Motherhood.... It may just be epic no matter what I do!

ANYHOOO.... Kiddo is well.. Sleeping well, eating well, pooping I bought her 5 new sippy cups (same ones she had and likes) cause when I finally found them at Walmart I went nuts! her old ones were getting moldy and I after so many scrubs and dishwasher trips they were just not cleaning well anymore... Only problem she still really likes those old ones...Give her a new one SAME sippy and she is all....NOPE wont drink this...  
Working on it! THIS KID.
Seizures are Seizures I guess..she still has morning clusters but wakes up happy and hungry so..... But  it gets  me up at the wee hours when her leg hits the wall or she snorts or gasps before each one...Shes okay but it can go on for 30-40 minutes.... and I am a terrible sleeper as it is... 
Summer School is going really well...I think there is only like 2 weeks left an then we get about 2 weeks off till the new year starts! I was thinking of hitting LLBean and getting her a new back matter how much I wash this current one which is probably since Kindergarten it still smells of Bottle/Sippy/Ketocal/ Boost I dunno....after my bills I will probably have a 100 bucks..But soon!

Don't really have much  more to ramble about I guess.... Just antsy... Gonna muster up some lunch and get kiddo  her sippy. Hope everyone is well and enjoying the summer....It will be winter before we know it. Don't forget to watch Game of thrones...WTF Greyjoy!! Adios to that guy last week!

XO Peace Out.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017


Was kinda playing around with my camera one evening...It is my favorite time when we get in my bed and get comfy and I can put away laundry or watch Netflix lol she is such a silly girl. To say that I am addicted to her little feet is an understatement! LOL
All has been going I guess.... Tired today I don't think the heat helps..and running the ac all day either.. blah!
Was becoming quite the farmer lately too...haha well... I have a bad thumb when it comes to growing things but I successfully grew my own potatoes and have a green bean plant that is starting to grow too! lol they were seriously delicious taters!! since its summer and 100 degrees outside I made tater salad with my taters and YUM. Still waiting on my beans! OH and will soon plant a small tomato plant those are also easy to grow. Its so fun watching stuff grow and getting yummy healthy food out of it! :) I ended up tearing out this dead shrub in in front and using that small patch of earth. lol
gotta get a small fence like thing to surround it to protect from the lawn guys weed whacker and cats taking craps...

ANYHOO.... Will have madie for the long haul this week... while dad wraps up his travels for now! hoping he will be closer to home for awhile.. but ya just never know...
I may pass Madie off to him for the week of my birthday... I really don't know what I will do with  myself...kinda just want to get rest and maybe book a camp site for a couple days and decompress... I dunno...I have old friends from MD asking me to come vist...I have an old friend from  high school who wants me to come out west to Portland! All willing to pay for my travel... Insane yes. BUT man just a quiet few days home or on a camp site...bring my own food and wine and just CHILL. Sounds reeeeeaaalllly nice. get the apt clean from top  to bottom...stock up on groceries.... I dunno. lol That's to be continued!

Summer school is going well! Kiddo was so funny getting loaded on her bus this morning hootin and bouncing her little hiney looking wide eyed at her para a nice girl who hangs with her this summer and her nice bus driver who says good morning Madison! Its super sweet she looks so little in her chair getting loaded its also another favorite time of day when I get to see her off to school all happy and ready for her day of adventure :)
Went and got my hair done too! My Aunt has a dear friend who does hair and I could just go to her house and have my hair done...she offered to pay for it and told me to call when I was going to go...well....I tried folks to stay away from my I tried! Well I drove an hour and 15 to Sherman CT thru farm land and winding roads to FINALLY find her house tucked away... We had lunch and I got a nice fresh hair cut and subtle highlights... not too much but refreshed. :) She was really good! And NOT 130 bucks like the spa!  It was fun. A good weekend. Ifeel like I am kind of cheating on my hairdresser who has been doing my hair since the stone age! But I seriously cant afford it... I am at  times left with stripes in my hair though...the color is spot on but oh I dunno...

Hope everyone is hanging in there.... staying cool and enjoying summer... I miss going to the beach ALOT...
I guess that is all my rambles for today. kiddo will be home soon I gotta get moving. lol
peace out.

Friday, July 7, 2017


Hoo Hoo!
Still breathing.
Hanging on this rainy day with Miss Madie...
Jonesin so bad for my breakfast at my favorite cafĂ©  that has closed forever... lol Maybe I'm just hungry in general and the cantelope I ate has passed thru me. I actually talked the owner and chef about why they closed and it was pretty nuts...but in the end he was just too
behind on rent...Ex wife had jacked up huge credit running off to Georgia and following the band Phish...true story! Man oh Man... hes cooking now at a Tavern in New Hartford.. an even smaller town but I told him I hope it works out... Eh dunno.
ANYHOO.... Well hangin with my little pretzel kid and she keeps slouching over and getting lost in the couch pillows she is such a weirdo..(just kicked my keyboard)
Not much going on since Great Grandmas funeral everyone is kinda just settling into life I guess...
My neighbor moved out of her place which really sucked... Ive been helping her get rid of the last of the garbage outside filling her bucket and mine... I will miss bringing her food too lol We would sit and chat over wine a lot she had an old grill she would fill with wood and make fires it was fun. lol very ghetto.
Still hanging tight in my place for now I guess... Its certainly hard with 2 floors but I still like this place and moving sucks. Ive got like zero credit to hire movers either. But Id figure that out.... So yeah staying here for now until I cannot lift the kid anymore that is... already its pretty hard to carry her but I manage... Its all good. It has its quarks that I have become used too...Someday I would like a little more modern with nice warm toasty windows! Winters suck here. with lovely gas heat...mmmm no more Oil. Daydreaming aside lol
Kiddo is well...summer fun program just started and so far so good. Just made up her tote bag of her beach towel, sunglasses, sunhat etc that she will need...:) Its great how she will still have a bus come to get  her too! She is all bouncy and hootin as I wheel her out each its great for her to keep the school routine going... Mom runs out of money and entertaining dances after  I almost thought about getting a pool membership... I am so germ phobic I dunno... Its kinda pricey but I bet if I asked around we could get a pass for cheap.. Id much prefer to find a nice lake or small beach nearby a place we can call "our joint "ya know?

Oh dear Madie is getting mad at me with her arms extended wants me to pick her up... ONE SEC kiddo!!
Hope everyone had a good 4th... I enjoyed the smell of everyone grilling....LOL The way the country is going these days....sigh. I wont make this post political don't worry! Orange head is out meeting with Putin today Good Lord help us.
Someone just drove by and yelled "Fucktard!" Really?? bahahah omg.
On that note till nxt time folks.