Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Quick Rant

Today was the ONE triumphant day that Madie was UP and ready to get on her bus ON TIME!!



And No bus driver was available..... yes NO bus driver was available.... FACK!!

If you read my last post all is still the same... Dad hates me right now and well..... I'm taking  the hit and not letting it get me down. I am not going to deal with anymore attorneys its ALL done with...  Anything else that needs to be talked about can be talked about between the two of us.... Its up to him!

I have seriously lost my best friend... its how it feels... and I  have mourned that loss a lot in the last 4 years but this time it just feels different. A new step in my life... a new GUTSY step...
I don't feel bad for what I have done.... I feel stronger and I feel CALM. I lost sleep over Money and I woke in the night over Money... I am SO done doing that!!! I need to live.. I need to be rested and calm... not asking my doctor for a increase in the Paxil.
I know he is mad at me and who knows what he is saying about me..... Maybe nothing maybe everything.... But WELCOME to the life he chose.
I hope that we can come to a place again.... Or heck if we are both single and 70...CMON! lets do this!! Can we at least die with a sex life?? I am pretty destined to be single forever.... and at times I accept it but at times it breaks me down...But Eh.... such is life I guess
I'm really sorry for the rant....
I feel like everything will be Ok...
Its a calm. I laid my head down last night and I just fell asleep.. I was tired and I was able to just clear my head...
I only did all this cause I had too...Not because I hated him or some kind of revenge...(coulda done that when Horse Face came along) But because I had too.

And well...with that said. Lets hope for a seizure free night and that I don't burn dinner.

Peace Out Homeslices.
Me

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

It will all be ok now!

Well here we go. A new school year has started and madie made it thru the first 3 days then got sick for a week... Now for the past week I have been driving her into school cause each morning when its time to get up she is sound asleep... Yes maybe hard to believe but very true... and I just don't have the gas to be driving her every day and loading and unloading the god forsaken chair... which is too large to fit in my car so I take it apart and put the seat part in the back seat (safe as hell too) and the foot parts have to come off the base with the wheels so it can fit in the trunk... Yep. SO every morning we are late... I have no idea what is going on with my normally up at sunrise kid...
Her obsurdly expensive chair is like falling apart too..the arm rests are both falling off...the push handle is always crooked and never locks in place right and the head rest is always loosening... I am not impressed with the quality of it at all.... May need to bring out the old crusier so I can  get the dang thing fixed..yee haw.

In other news Yep...I hired an attorney and pushed for more money each month...and got it. Its by no means a million dollars but it will help a lot... I can bang out some long standing bills now... I tried to talk to him about it but was basically ignored so the lawyer I hired got his attention. I knew that talking about it would make it easier and cheaper for him but I was talking to air... SO...
Now...its all said and done and papers have been signed... He is on the not talking to me train right now but hopefully soon we can get back to normal... who knows. I feel a huge weight off my back and I feel calm... Do I feel bad? Well yes I did..But I HAD to do it and well...if it means that he hates me for a while I can take the hit. Lord knows that going thru divorce and affairs and having to become a single mom when it was the last thing I wanted to do.. is far more heartbreaking than having to shell out more money each month... And with that said we just move forward and I wont be as strapped for cash anymore...WHEW. It was not nearly as scary going to this attorney as it was the last ones that's for sure!
If everyone hates me so be it... I cant dwell on it...my love for my family will never change and when and IF they want me around I am still here and I am still Madies Mom... I think of them often and hope they are all well...

I  had to do it for myself. I was scared and put my big girl panties on and DID IT. And I was succesfull...I am proud of myself. I feel slightly empowered. I put off doing it for awhile and it just got the point of move it or loose it Jamie....

Well anyhoo.... Madie bugger is well... She inherited her love for early mornings from her mom...lol Its a nice cool night in the ville tonight and fall is in the air... I don't have any new pictures to share or even cat pictures...lol The cat drives me out of my mind at how much he eats!!  Other than that gonna try to get some sleep tonight and try to get this kiddo to bed before 9...  She has been very loud and crazy girl noises are just nuts! eating well and getting thru her days when she finally does get to school just fine... Seizures have been kinda annoying lately but that kind comes and goes... SO I can only cross my fingers...

Be well everyone. Happy Fall folks. Every little thing is gonna be alright now.

Till next time
Me.

Monday, September 11, 2017

End 0f story








We found our place very shortly before school was about to start...
I am going to try to type this as the site runs like molasses and buffer while I type a sentence....

We found a pond...it had a small beach.... school was starting soon and it would be one of the last days before....  I knew that I couldn't go there myself cause they charge 9 bucks on the weekends... and at this point that's not budget friendly.
Madie and I spent almost 4 hours that day... I was so relaxed having my feet in the sand. We had the whole place to ourselves for at least an hour...and even then not that many people showed up. The kids were all pretty good and swam and played in sand...we had plenty of breathing room. 
I DID  go there on Madies second day of school...in my poor attempt to have my happy place to myself...2 moms with 5 kids subsided in the only shady spot....each child used a scream to say what they had to say... I ended up getting sunburn on the other side of the pond just to peacefully read a few chapters of my book... 
SO Id rather go wrapped in a blanket on my beach chair ALONE than deal with those kids again.
Or go for 9 bucks...

Well....anyhoo....adorable Madie pictures aside.....
I want to update you all on my last post!!

We still talk but as far as the subject I am completely ignored.
In that case I will completely proceed. I am seeking a life beyond being a mom and buying groceries and paying bills. He had yet to protest. He will be billed my lawyer. I'm still Madies mom. End of  buffering story.

Me


Saturday, August 19, 2017

Here we GO...its go time.

Ok I am going to try to type this bad boy up if Jakey Cat can stay out of my personal space... sigh.
ALOT kind going thru my head lately.. Shit may hit fan soon and well...I had to muster up a lot of guts..But I  HAVE too... Don't pull up into my driveway with a new GIANT truck and tell me you are broke.... then ignore me when I try to talk about it... Which I feel would make things ALOT  easier... does he know he did an asshole thing? Does he think that its no big deal that he bought that  thing? I wouldn't know....he wont speak to me right now.. I am NOT being sneaky with him and I have told  him that I have sought out council for this and well....he most likely wont say anything back but I told him... If anyone knew how much my back hurts and how much a small suv would help getting madie in and out of the car! I may need to obtain a doctors note about it but that should not be hard...and one that states that I have terrible anxiety for oh... 20 years... if need be. I think it will be all pretty strait forward... Shoot buy me a new CRV and we can call it even! LOL Ahhhhh!!

 I have found a great woman who is ready to help me seek more child support... Nothing is written up and I have NOT met with her yet but we had a great conversation about it...she ALSO has a special needs child and 2 other kids! She was ready to take me on and get things rolling. I seriously cried it felt like everything will be ok..  Monday she is in court in the morning for a custody case and will call me in the afternoon or Tuesday Morning. So..... yeah. Its scary. AND there will be a Eclipse! Are the stars aligned for this? Will my days of writing bad checks be over? Shit I hope and pray so....

Maybe I am a total asshole maybe folks will hate me now... I really don't know but I am doing this.. I have too!! I'm scared, upset and empowered at the same time... I always just had this fear of loosing him...Yes loosing him... in every sense..."Oh he will never come back now" kind of loss...The true "forever gone".....  He is a great dad to Madie and one of the only people I trust to care for her aside from myself! I am not doing any of this because he is a deadbeat cause he is NOT... He has never skipped any payments to me..dont get that idea.. I have always given him the benefit of the doubt because well I will always love him and still have moments of wishing he was here being my  teammate thru life.. I have known him half my life! I hate that any of this happened and wished I could go back in time and never have the stupid divorce... I'm not trying to screw him over I am trying to have some fairness here...and that giant truck is not fair. It was a last straw... It just was. I don't really know what else to say..  even a couple hundred more a month would be a victory for me.! Ive been instructed to just let things be and let the cards fall into place and let her to all the work and not to worry... So okay I wont.. But I will...
Sunday I am going out with my friend her treat for my 40th birthday... a few days late but I am looking forward to it. I will see Miss Madie Monday! And yes he was great for taking her that time so I can have lady time...

There is a new show on Netflix called Atypical...about a family with a teenage son with Autism..The kid is so spot on in his performance... There was a scene  near the end of Episode 3 when the father explains to his non autistic daughter why he left years before for 8 months.. (when she saw he was not in pictures from an autism event they go to each year) He said that before the brother was diagnosed he always thought he would get better and and when  he was diagnosed he was scared...and the mom threw herself into support groups and learning about special diets and Autism walks... and he just couldn't wrap his head around it... so he left and stayed at his fathers cabin and drank beers and was miserable. I seriously cried.... its a good show...heartbreaking and funny too... the way he takes things so literally its SO spot on...and the part where he and his dad go to the penguin exibit and they just stare at the creatures swimming around and dad jokes that maybe they get  tired of swimming... the son very seriously say they never do....He wants to find love and has such a hard time expressing it...Check it out...


I just need some support through this.. I am the fulltime MOM.  Hear me Roar. hashtag Awesome.

I guess that's all.
Madie bugger good btw! Only week and half till 5TH GRADE starts!! yes its nuts!!
Every little thing is gonna be alright... just keep swimming.. its go time. XO
Me.