Monday, September 12, 2016

Fevers. oh and more fevers.

Well Its been a long week.
Kiddo has been feverish since last tueday...almost a week. After 3 days on one med with no result and no fever reduction we are on a new Med...with hopes that her fever subsides...and she can go back to school! :(!! This is sure a nasty germ.. I don't get why meds are not working I have never had this happen before. I was almost close to packing a bag for hospital but she was sleeping and fever seemed at bay for the time.... Motrin and Tylenol have taken edge off but she is still very sleepy and very wet diapers after I give her extra water and pedialite.. All bed linens are being washed and low music is on for her while I tackle the mt Everest. I also have acquired a nice little head cold but it has not slowed me down. I am just so OVER THIS fever! get outta here! tubie site looks fine nothing out of ordinary..throat and ears checked out fine...
Starting to see messy nose and small cough so hopefully a bad cold was the problem...But ugh. Doing this on my own is taking a toll on me. I am just kapoot. Trying so hard to get my bug better... Fluids...Doctor visit..meds...clean clean clean... as my stinkin nose runs.
I miss her giggles and crazy girl laugh....:( A lot.

Dad is still in Indiana and also landed himself in ER with a fever of 104...
I am not convinced that Madie got sick from Dad...this is certainly from school... Happened each year. But even thru the stomach viruses and Strep throats and ear infections....Usually she is better in a couple days with meds! :(!! Dad is also hangin in there... A motherly thing kicks in and I want to take care of BOTH of them...:(. Make soup and warm sippies....:( Even if we were all sick together it would sure beat doing this all by myself!
We argured hard the other day and since have cooled off and apologized to each other... sigh... I am just so going one day at a time...
I get so nuts over Horseface...I am so jealous and upset that he chooses her. We argued and copied and pasted crazy texts and ugh...crazy shit. But I like to say we are ok now.... Yeah.. He knows all my feelings....
I have had moments of just breaking down just from being tired and frustraited that I cant get madie well...that he is not here with me giving me a kiss and telling me it will all work out...that he is here now and will never leave again....:( Supermom cape got lost at the cleaners......

The crazy cat lady called me last night and was asking if I had seen a certain Tortie cat around...OHHH BOY THIS WOMAN!! the last of the street cats and she wants to capture it. I had actually just seen it but I am not going to go near the thing and get scratched etc etc... She is like Oh Oh Ill give you a trap! Good she can call  me and come over every freakin day? sssssssiiiiigggghhhh Shoot gimme 100 bucks Ill get that dummy cat in a day with some tuna and baby food!! LOL For real~

Anyhoo....Just hangin out today...kinda boring when kiddo sleeps all day...Netflix and Chill gets old..and laundry and straitening up this joint isn't much fun... Bah. '
I'm going to try to rest my eyes for a few my Pandora on and that old song Wonderwall comes on reminds me of when I dropped Miles off at the train station to go back to college and I was in the car and I was going to miss him.....It was so new and young then...Not super serious then...we even broke up for years after that and ended up together eventually....( after we both dated a few other people..)
I want to be old and grey with this man I thought... Make each other lunch and takes walks with our make fun of people and sit on our

I gotta get crackin....sigh I dunno.
blogger is being fussy..
Peace out homeslices.



Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Negative Nancy

Okay lets just rephrase the last post and delete it all together... Negative Nancy has left the building.
I hurt okay. I do. I feel alone and Sad. I just do.
My sweet bugger is feverish today and I am in a lot of aches and pains today...I manage to pull muscles walking... I am that good. My hamstring acts up occasionally and yesterday it decided to let me know that it still exists

New couch getting delivered tomorrow I am pretty excited... If anyone read last deleted post I still  may never know why he bought me a couch... but its coming and I needed it very badly. I hope he at least knows I am thankful for it. I miss him. He knows this. I am angry and I am frustraited and I am tired.... Maybe it is  time to let him from my heart...Give up. Just throw the towel in. Is he over the moon happy now? I dunno....:(
He worries me when I don't hear from him.... I wonder did I get him he injured somewhere?? is he in the hospital? (that has happened btw) We are both so stressed out.. I feel so put thru the wringer sometimes and my energy  is kapoot. I read somewhere that broken heart syndrome is a real thing...Maybe they should just call it clogged arteries or a heart attack... sigh.
I dunno anymore I just don't.
I have so many blessings in my life...people who look out for me and help... I still of course have my side of the family who is always a phone call away. The town I live in has great people and great schools and great therapists! lol But its a lonely world.

I look at this lil face every day and I ache in my heart at how much I love her... She needs me. She needs US. We are both so worn down and tired and both working in different ways... he works out of state and flies in on weekends..exhausting! I am here with madie during week and sometimes he is unable to get home on weekends and I am with Madie longer..
I miss when things felt okay... I miss when my family was together... not just US but the family. I HAVE to put my big girl pants on an do it.... for Madie for ME. I cant feel this way anymore. I am a survivor of so much in my life! I am so beat down... and here I am still standing! With the best kid in the world that I have been blessed with.
Maybe I made a crummy wife...who knows.. Does anyone even wonder how I am doing?  Is Horseface that great? :/
No more Negative Nancy. Pick your shit up Jamie.

Then there is this one....makes me laugh everyday. Rolling in our dead grass picking up bugs and dirt...LOL


Wednesday, August 24, 2016

39...and Longest Summer EVER

Kinda just sat and started at this blank page for a few minutes...

Summer is coming to an end soon...No beach trips or camping trips this year...
Just felt long and HUMID....ready for school to start...
School meetings are always so emotionally draining thinking about them..I don't like going to the big meet and greets and having like a million of us crammed in a hot classroom.... I am eager to meet our new "Miss Sandy"...who has HUGE boots to fill with me and madie... Loosing her para has sucked. Loosing her school has sucked. I just want to run out of there and go back to cherry brook where I feel safe.... :(!! Ill see what I think come Friday!

Hoping to snag Dad away on Saturday to go with me to buy a new couch too...In accordance to Fb he and horseface have a 1 year Anniversary coming up...Special I know...To me they have been over since May...But whatever. SO we shall see....hopefully I will be couch shopping!! Futon is going strong with duct tape! LOL

Rough night for Madie last night a big seizure hit...It is the second one this whole summer! And than a bunch of Tonics those come in clusters...arms and legs go out and she snorts or gasps each just keeps repeating every few seconds...she had two episodes of those after her  big seizure... SO not the best sleep for me... as she would sometimes hit the wall with her foot or leg and BOOM make a noise to wake me up...this all occurring between the small spaces in her pillows....I cant win.

Also turned 39...Kinda was like any other day a Tuesday and well...still had kiddo to take care of and was basically alone..Horseface did not throw me a special party..Im devastated really. A lot of our ol mutual friends went that was kinda depressing...I doubt anyone asked how I was they may have all  been so mesmerized by Horsefaces greatness....yeah yeah yeah....
SO yeah...39. Yee Freakin haw... Another Year.
Lil bugger fast asleep...had to Gtube her breakfast she was not interested... Poor Girl... I hate seizures SO much...:(!! She is already on ALOT of Depakote...I have had many tell me to go for Marajuana Oil...Now please don't blow up my comments about this and that about it.... I do wonder that if it did help her if we would go down or eventually OFF her Depakote...could you imagine!! I think she would thrive off those freakin meds..... But same time oh boy seizures are terrible! I cant watch her go into one every few days...or who knows maybe more than that! SO its a scary thing to consider and its prolly not covered by anyone.. dunno..

One day at a time. My can of beans is still held onto tightly so I don't spill them! Madie will be fine and my big girl 4th GRADER is off to school come August 30th! Ready to get back in the swing of things..
Oh dang kiddo is awake and I see that her lil gbutton is leaking...ugh. I did just use a new one for 1st time today so maybe that's it.. Ok Gotta go check it out.
Hope everyone is well and hangin in there. I took some new pics of madie...

My little heart.


Sunday, July 31, 2016

Jamie's Bag of Drama.

All has been going pretty decient... I guess I cant complain...or can I? HA

Well Dad was stuck in Indiana Friday so he was going to come back Saturday morning then his flight was not till 11 than that flight was than he did not come back at all and just stayed there. He would have not gotten home till Sat evening and than had to fly back out Sunday afternoon..It made no sense really... SO I have had Madie this weekend. What day is it again? Than he was supposed to give me money so he had to wire it to my account and that wont be available till who knows when...2-3 days? And does Sunday count as a day? Freakin Sundays.
He sent me a picture of what looked like a tornado forming over his work site...OMG.. I was like get the f- out of there..hes all like "Nah...we are good"  He is a good runner..... sigh.
During the week however I was kinda shocked (well maybe not) to see  horseface having a great time at the beach with the family...while he was out of town?? I was like huh?? And then I accused him of being home and he got mad...I am pretty sure he is in Indiana and why would he come home and not see Madie...It wouldn't happen! So.... yeah..But why is she hanging out with everyone while he is out of state? Jesus...she is in pretty deep now!  Everyone seems to love her and her children I guess... Who can compete with that? (shrug) Not I... :(
Whatever he decides to do with her is out of my hands... Its so incredibly hard to have trust issues! I hate it.... We get along pretty well and have not had any terrible fights.. But I just hope he understands that its hard for me to believe him sometimes and I am not trying to be a Jerk but I need a lot of proof of things sometimes...or some good reassurance...ya know? I told him I was just kinda confused to why she was there without him... I still care about him and love him but he can be a pain in my Im trying to be ok.. Dammit.

I guess I am just the black sheep now...too hard headed and potty Like "!"oh shes gone now...LOOK we have Horseface and her AWESOME kids that can do activities and run and play and tell jokes"!......she is so dang polite too...always thanking everyone and saying how much fun she had and tagging everyone and  than everyone loves and likes her pictures.... sigh.
Jealous Much??
Who needs Jamies bag of Drama dropped off at this party anyways! I beat anyones ass for one more family BBQ... or to simply be invited to anything to feel part of something again...
I have been thru a lot and I still see a lot of things as unfair but for Christ sake don't just abandon me!  I get upset wishing that Madie and I were there and that Madie was able to run around and play and do activities.... I feel replaced...with something so much better...?  um...NO. Madie and I are the Best team out there! And we are still breathing and still standing! We still exist!! No matter what happens.... I know I know....LAME-O.. After all these years... Divorce or no Divorce I am still Madies mom and I am still human and my heart aches too... Dammit. I still have a few ounces of fun left in me!  And maybe too much love... And I'm a really good

Its a rainy day in the c-ville and its kinda boring over here...may go out and get some Milk and get some fresh rainy Madie has been such a good girl for me but a very demanding girl for sure...gets mad when I don't carry her or  pick her up or when I brush her hair or change her clothes... We are bored. lol (Madie just  totally farted REALLY loud...omg)
I bought one of those Wet Brushes and its amazing btw. 10 bucks but worth it!

Summer school continues tomorrow and I am going to go hang out at the food bank and help the ladies I have not seen since I did my community service. Other than that ...try and get some rest and repair...I am sorry to make this blog into Jamies Bitch and Moan fest... going to try to take a more positive spin...Hope I was not getting all nuts-oh...
Already looking forward to Friday...and its Sunday. Dad sure owes this mom! LOL  Maybe we will all go for Pizza or something kinda our usual Friday thing.. I enjoy it kinda gives us a chance to chat and catch up on our weeks and plans etc..
Off to the grocers now...sorry kiddo getting impatient with me..
Peace out homeslices!! You know who you are! XO