Thursday, June 22, 2017

Brain Farts

Well we all said bye to grandma Sally last night...
I was pretty scared to go..a whole lot of family I have missed for a very long time were all there. I was afraid they would all be like: "what's she doing here?" But I know I did nothing wrong...
I got hugs from everyone. Smiles and "hi Jamie! So glad to see you!"
It felt at home. All the years of being part of a family and then under the circumstances....

Then I look Miles and feel resentment...like if none of this stupid divorce ever happened where would we be?.. I dunno...I just soaked in the love. Lots of touching words were said and after some folks were going to eat...I was wicked hungry but decided I'd step out...not like Miles was asking me to come along....SO...

It was crazy seeing how grown all Madie's "little cousins" have gotten...they all had boyfriends and girlfriends! Say huh?? All the time that has gone by that I am not a part of its heartbreaking.
Oh I dunno....

So anyhoo...today is last day of school for bugger FINALLY.  I was a little late this morning and when I pulled into the school I realized I had forgotten her shoes! It's only a half day so she will be fine. I am typing this blog on my phone and looking at her shoes on the table...sigh.  my laptop is once again on the fritz... battery would not charge and then when I brought it to best buy the guy took battery out and plugged it in and it worked! So duh...I can just run from outside power source...went home feeling relieved.  Well....now even plugged into several different outlets it won't turn on...a small burst of power than dud. UGH no one had money for that!! Then last night I finally got it on and when I woke up it was off.  So yeah...thumbs are getting a little sore blogging on my phone.
Almost lost my phone too..but was okay and recovered...

Was up at 330 last night tossing and turning..brain wizzing...thinking about the day and just when will I see everyone again?...how great it was to talk and hug and not so much catch up but just talk randomly about stuff...laugh...listen to stories about gma and celebrate her life as a family....
I finally fell back about 530 after I heard Madie kick the side of her bed loudly...I brought her in my bed and we snoozed till 8...a little late for school... but happy kid...slightly more rested Mom. Lol
Hope everyone is well and enjoying the summer...hoping to get to my cousins lake house and see my grammy Voegler this summer! And my Aunt has a friend who does hair who will highlight my hair too! I just can't stay away from the blond. Lol
Be Well .

Me.

Monday, June 19, 2017

Great Grandmas....named Sally.

The world lost a very sweet woman... Great Grandma Sally passed away..(dads grandmother and Madies Great Grandmother)
Now upon hearing this news I think back to how long its been since I have seen her..2 years? I don't get invited to Family things anymore.... I was upset at this news and was also pissed....
The way I want to remember her is as follows....
Every Christmas Id be in charge (cause he wasn't good at girl shopping) getting the girls presents...Now Grandma Sally loved her fuzzy socks and anything that was super pretty...a sweater or somthing floral..But always the fuzzy socks! lol She of course adored Madie..
"how is my girl?" she would ask me...
She was married once..her husband of many years..they divorced. he was quite a drinker in his days..they raised a lot of kids...even lost some along the way.. In their old age they were living with each other and as far as I could tell...life partners..he sober of course at this point in life. Lost Grandpa Harvey years back to lung cancer..a man that was not going to give up his pipe and I will NEVER forget the casual conversation about the "niggers" on the front porch of the families house...LOL  A WHOLE different era!!
I want to remember Great Grandma Sally as one of the last times I saw her.... Newly divorced I was and blessed enough to be invited... She took my hand and told me that she loved me and madie and that no matter what we would always be family. That we were loved. 
I barely ever see the family but I keep Sally's words with me.
I am sad that her days had to end in a nursing home when she was so fond of her home and  was confused when she was wisked away to the nursing home and her home sold out from under her... it was kinda like "maybe she won't notice" kind of thing....
I AM not a fan of being secretive...I am an upfront person. Maybe I am too dramatic in that sense.... pushed away.
Anyways....I know she loved me and madie and despite all the crap going on.... I will miss her and wish so badly that I could have had one more heart to heart talk with her...
My own grandmother is 89 and dyed her hair purple! What would I do without her? Enjoy all the moments you have. Every one.
Rest peacefully Miss Sally. Xoxox

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

yeah

I have been beyond UN motivated to blog....does this thing still exist??
I'm still breathing and still going ...
I was nursing madie back to health for 2 weeks and getting a lot of Netlix in...lol

The school year is ALMOST over.... Me and  the Bus Driver are not good friends right now...I cant stand how she honks frantically and how she is in an obsurd rush all the time... Do I need to remind her that I have a handicap child?  Shes also a Trump Humper.... OH and I'm a Liberal Snowflake I guess.....
So..... Anyhoo...

My brain is a fluster of thoughts.. SO much going on that is not Madie related......
I am thinking of starting a second unfiltered blog...like tell all... get my thoughts out.  I don't really have any family in Ct anymore.... they all know that I am alone and still don't reach out to me.... I AM MADIES MOM....But I guess that doesn't count. 
I will go back to keeping this one about raising Madie and making the new one about well....NOT about Madie...
For those who are still into things....Seizures have been ok. They were shitty for awhie and the Nuero was all about SHOCKER adding more drugs...Banzel.
I did not add .
Kiddo is ok. Seizures somehow subsided.... I have no clue..

I don't know who is even reading anymore.... Ill blog this weekend with a better story....But I am still breathing and still going...

Me.




Saturday, April 8, 2017

Same Ol Same Ol

Have I ever mentioned that I hate seizures...like more than hate...like a blood boiling hate. I just hate them! They have not been good to my sweet girl lately... :( She is by no means having seizures all day long I mean it could be worse! But for her one big seizure a week is a lot. And don't forget the fall downs and the clusters of arms and legs flailing out over an over...:( I am really uncertain what the next step will be....
I called Neuro and he is out of town till Monday but in meantime I have to take her to get some blood work done to check her Depakoe levels. for now...than the Doc will review. I don't know if this is a time to change meds? Increase Depakote AGAIN? I think there is only so much of the med you can put a small kid on.... 4 125mg capsules 2x a day.... Well.... smh..
SO many of the meds in the past made her so tired.. she was a zombie and that is not ok.
So I will take her Monday to the lab nearby to get the blood work done and we can go from there.

New Cat is working out well...lol He is named Jake and he will be an inside only kitty. I cant  bear to find another dead cat in the bushes..  he had been such a lovebug. Never hisses or scratches me.. NEVER. My old cat Maisy was never afraid to break some skin. lol This fella is just a little mush. I very much enjoy having a pet around...my little family. my Babies. lol

So anyhoo... Maybe I will go out tonight and grab some dinner or maybe just some take out and a  movie.. Dunno yet. Today I wanted to go to this big Multi-Consultant LuLaroe thing...lol Maybe find me some treasures I cant afford... I kind want to see a lot of the stuff in person...get a feel for how the sizes run...for future online purchaces really..But I am kinda stoked and its only a few miles away. Yessss!
Other than that oh heck.. Supposed to start getting really warm outside and I cant wait! Oh how I crave the fresh air! I miss my maxi skirts and sandals... Madie will be on spring break this week so hoping to get some cute pictures of her too... :) By Thursday Ill be ready to get back to routine..lol
Dad will be traveling to Indiana all week so it kind sucks that he cant take her a extra day or two but glad he will be home on weekends.. I don't mind flying I mean I am not scared of it but my ears get so painfully clogged. That's the worse part. I have no idea how he does it. Big Kudos.

Well I have a load of laundry and a silly kitty whos bowl is empty... Hope everyone is well and hopefully its  warm weather in your necks of the woods...CT is still waiting for spring to start. Winter is being such an Asshole.

Me