Wednesday, August 24, 2016

39...and Longest Summer EVER

Kinda just sat and started at this blank page for a few minutes...

Summer is coming to an end soon...No beach trips or camping trips this year...
Just felt long and HUMID....ready for school to start...
School meetings are always so emotionally draining thinking about them..I don't like going to the big meet and greets and having like a million of us crammed in a hot classroom.... I am eager to meet our new "Miss Sandy"...who has HUGE boots to fill with me and madie... Loosing her para has sucked. Loosing her school has sucked. I just want to run out of there and go back to cherry brook where I feel safe.... :(!! Ill see what I think come Friday!

Hoping to snag Dad away on Saturday to go with me to buy a new couch too...In accordance to Fb he and horseface have a 1 year Anniversary coming up...Special I know...To me they have been over since May...But whatever. SO we shall see....hopefully I will be couch shopping!! Futon is going strong with duct tape! LOL

Rough night for Madie last night a big seizure hit...It is the second one this whole summer! And than a bunch of Tonics those come in clusters...arms and legs go out and she snorts or gasps each  time...it just keeps repeating every few seconds...she had two episodes of those after her  big seizure... SO not the best sleep for me... as she would sometimes hit the wall with her foot or leg and BOOM make a noise to wake me up...this all occurring between the small spaces in her pillows....I cant win.

Also turned 39...Kinda was like any other day a Tuesday and well...still had kiddo to take care of and was basically alone..Horseface did not throw me a special party..Im devastated really. A lot of our ol mutual friends went that was kinda depressing...I doubt anyone asked how I was they may have all  been so mesmerized by Horsefaces greatness....yeah yeah yeah....
SO yeah...39. Yee Freakin haw... Another Year.
Lil bugger fast asleep...had to Gtube her breakfast she was not interested... Poor Girl... I hate seizures SO much...:(!! She is already on ALOT of Depakote...I have had many tell me to go for Marajuana Oil...Now please don't blow up my comments about this and that about it.... I do wonder that if it did help her if we would go down or eventually OFF her Depakote...could you imagine!! I think she would thrive off those freakin meds..... But same time oh boy seizures are terrible! I cant watch her go into one every few days...or who knows maybe more than that! SO its a scary thing to consider and its prolly not covered by anyone.. dunno..
Anyhooo....

One day at a time. My can of beans is still held onto tightly so I don't spill them! Madie will be fine and my big girl 4th GRADER is off to school come August 30th! Ready to get back in the swing of things..
Oh dang kiddo is awake and I see that her lil gbutton is leaking...ugh. I did just use a new one for 1st time today so maybe that's it.. Ok Gotta go check it out.
Hope everyone is well and hangin in there. I took some new pics of madie...


My little heart.

Me




Sunday, July 31, 2016

Jamie's Bag of Drama.

All has been going pretty decient... I guess I cant complain...or can I? HA

Well Dad was stuck in Indiana Friday so he was going to come back Saturday morning then his flight was not till 11 than that flight was delayed...so than he did not come back at all and just stayed there. He would have not gotten home till Sat evening and than had to fly back out Sunday afternoon..It made no sense really... SO I have had Madie this weekend. What day is it again? Than he was supposed to give me money so he had to wire it to my account and that wont be available till who knows when...2-3 days? And does Sunday count as a day? Freakin Sundays.
He sent me a picture of what looked like a tornado forming over his work site...OMG.. I was like get the f- out of there..hes all like "Nah...we are good"  He is a good runner..... sigh.
During the week however I was kinda shocked (well maybe not) to see  horseface having a great time at the beach with the family...while he was out of town?? I was like huh?? And then I accused him of being home and he got mad...I am pretty sure he is in Indiana and why would he come home and not see Madie...It wouldn't happen! So.... yeah..But why is she hanging out with everyone while he is out of state? Jesus...she is in pretty deep now!  Everyone seems to love her and her children I guess... Who can compete with that? (shrug) Not I... :(
Whatever he decides to do with her is out of my hands... Its so incredibly hard to have trust issues! I hate it.... We get along pretty well and have not had any terrible fights.. But I just hope he understands that its hard for me to believe him sometimes and I am not trying to be a Jerk but I need a lot of proof of things sometimes...or some good reassurance...ya know? I told him I was just kinda confused to why she was there without him... I still care about him and love him but he can be a pain in my ass...lol Im trying to be ok.. Dammit.

I guess I am just the black sheep now...too hard headed and potty mouthed...lol Like "!"oh shes gone now...LOOK we have Horseface and her AWESOME kids that can do activities and run and play and tell jokes"!......she is so dang polite too...always thanking everyone and saying how much fun she had and tagging everyone and  than everyone loves and likes her pictures.... sigh.
Jealous Much??
Who needs Jamies bag of Drama dropped off at this party anyways! I beat anyones ass for one more family BBQ... or to simply be invited to anything to feel part of something again...
I have been thru a lot and I still see a lot of things as unfair but for Christ sake don't just abandon me!  I get upset wishing that Madie and I were there and that Madie was able to run around and play and do activities.... I feel replaced...with something so much better...?  um...NO. Madie and I are the Best team out there! And we are still breathing and still standing! We still exist!! No matter what happens.... I know I know....LAME-O.. After all these years... Divorce or no Divorce I am still Madies mom and I am still human and my heart aches too... Dammit. I still have a few ounces of fun left in me!  And maybe too much love... And I'm a really good cook...lol


ANYHOOO.....
Its a rainy day in the c-ville and its kinda boring over here...may go out and get some Milk and get some fresh rainy air..lol Madie has been such a good girl for me but a very demanding girl for sure...gets mad when I don't carry her or  pick her up or when I brush her hair or change her clothes... We are bored. lol (Madie just  totally farted REALLY loud...omg)
I bought one of those Wet Brushes and its amazing btw. 10 bucks but worth it!


Summer school continues tomorrow and I am going to go hang out at the food bank and help the ladies I have not seen since I did my community service. Other than that ...try and get some rest and repair...I am sorry to make this blog into Jamies Bitch and Moan fest... going to try to take a more positive spin...Hope I was not getting all nuts-oh...
Already looking forward to Friday...and its Sunday. Dad sure owes this mom! LOL  Maybe we will all go for Pizza or something kinda our usual Friday thing.. I enjoy it kinda gives us a chance to chat and catch up on our weeks and plans etc..
Off to the grocers now...sorry kiddo getting impatient with me..
Peace out homeslices!! You know who you are! XO

Me.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Holla

Hanging out with lil bugger while she drinks here sippy and the AC cranks slowly cooling us off.. Wow its hot today.
Today has been an ok day...The weekend approaches and it always gives me a certain amount of stress....:(  When I imagine Horseface and her kids all having this fake fun time at the beach with him and my madie... my blood boils. Its FAKE. Believe me. Knowing that calms me....
Just have to get thru the weekend! Its only a day and a half! I can do it. NOT A PROB.
Had a blast last weekend in town there was all kinds of happenings...had some good food and drink and heard some fun local music. Mingled with the ville folks and actually felt like I had friends! (hands in the air)
Madie bug has been doing good... We are hangin in there she is happy and I am just taking one day at a time some days are good some not. Eh... Today I am having some nice right side abdominal pain that is being really annoying... I feel as if I pulled something.. Maybe its from lifting madie..maybe its cramps from after my special friend... maybe my appendix will burst.....maybe I slept funny...who knows. Its annoying. Nothing I cant truck on thru but still.... ugh. It only happened once before and went away the next day so who knows. I hate doctors.

My neck is stiff.

Anyhoo... Well  Summer school has been going well...Her aid is a very nice girl who likes to wear sheer maxi dresses...while being a tad on the curvy side... LOL But she is nice and is good with Madie. I cant read her handwriting in the notebook but its all good. She is in school in Boston and works at the school in the summer time.
There is only about 3 more weeks of summer school left than another solid couple weeks off till the new year begins...crazy. I am still having hard time with putting her in new school.

Speaking of crazy...well 3 years this Sept since I sat in court and watched him leave... watched him let go of his family and his house and our marriage...The worse day of my life. I sit and think that its pretty amazing how I am still standing here... and that Madie is still doing well and my Apt is still standing and the cat is still alive... I have become pretty good at fixing small things around the house... I still suck with Money...lol I have a bit of a shopping thing..But the dang bills get paid and sometimes a check or two go bouncy but eh...whatever.  Is he really happy? Does he ever miss us? Does he ever want to try again? Who knows.... :(
I dunno folks.. I'm not going to sit here and say that is how the cookie crumbled cause it is not that laid back to me...
Ill be 39 in less than a month...I am tired of being alone. It sucks. I cant have some other guy around madie...I cant go out and mingle....I have to find a babysitter to do that.. and if you have seen the guys in the ville...bwhahaha POT heads!! Hipsters. and Cyclists...LOL mmmmm biker shorts....

Well going to get on the phones to the med supply company and order some more boost and ask about getting coverage for diapers as well...than I need to find a new dentist before my teeth all rot out of my head. And is it just me or are the mosquito bites the size of houses this year?....

have a sparkling day.




Wednesday, July 13, 2016

One Day at a Time...but you can call me Jamie

Looking forward to a fun weekend in the ville! This is the second Collinsville HOT. Its crafts and Art and Music and food and drink its so fun! Last year I seriously went alone and met up with all kinds of folks..its just the kinda town I live in!
A rushed morning getting bugger off to school today! I woke up at 4am and was tossing and turning and than when I fell back to sleep I woke up and it was almost 8! GAH. Poor baby girl UP out of bed dressed and OFF she goes! Hope her day goes well. Its another humid day..we had such a great streak of weather! I guess we are due eh?

Every Year these Grapes grow and they get larger and larger and the leaves take over.. If only they were edible! Oh Id have free grapes all summer! My own lil wild crop! I read that wild grapes are very bitter so maybe just leave them for the birds to much on. But they sure LOOK yummy! LOL
I took Madie berry picking this summer..remind me not to do that again! HOT as hell and the berries were so small the harvest was shot. :( trudging thru the  mud with a chair is not that fun either.


Summer had been LONG... Shorter school days and shorter weekends...I am still not thrilled about madie being in a different school next year but there is not much I can do bout it..:(!I still have not unpacked the bag her Para packed up for her of all her stuff...stuff that she had gotten for madie to keep her comfortable during her days or warm in the winters or cool in the summer.
Their are huge boots to fill.. and I will be WATCHING. Closely.. I will probably drive the school nuts.
I managed to get away to get my hair done yesterday...oh hell whats a little more on the credit card? UGH. Almost had to bring madie with me since summer school is only like 3 hours and my salon is like 25 minute away... but Awesome Grma saved the day and watched madie for me! It was SO good to see her... Family. She was good and was more than happy to hang tight with madie for a couple hours while I got pampered. :)  I was stuck in a lot of traffic on the way there(every road in CT has decided to do road work) and went wrong way on the  highway and had to turn around...by the time I got to salon I was on verge of tears! Just UGH. Well my hairdresser got me some water and I calmed down and he began my foils.. I talked about how madie almost came with me and he said he would have loved to see her..lol The salon was nice and quiet and I read my gossip mags and just kicked back..wish I could have taken a nap in the spa room! LOL  It was really nice even if just for a couple hours.


Well anyhoo... a lot of things on my mind but eh.. Just taking one day at a time..One hour at a time..Trying to stay positive for someone who had anxiety and depression is tough but I have been journaling my days and trying to write one thing I am grateful for each day...Maybe that sounds hokey..lol I even bought some crazy colored pens and a new journal at Target..Today I was simply thankful for my yummy breakfast I made myself and a Happy Madie off to school :) It works! Ill take it!
My Kissables!!

This is truly my favorite time of day. When we get comfy. Madie props up on my pillows and plays with her rain stick and drinks her sippy and we watch a show and just giggle and relax. And EVERY day I get to do this time with her. I am truly lucky. Its a lonely world at times I wont lie and well chatting with Madie instead of an adult can get strange..LOL (Coo Coo nest) Shes such a good girl. My little World.
I have been thinking about seeking out help with her lately and know a woman who has fought like hell to get Respite for her so she can have a pice of mind once in awhie...and with my shortened weekends I am seriously concidering it... even if just a few hours a week...I dunno... Eh...don't exactly know what it entitles...also I heard that I can get insurance to cover DIAPERS.. So... All of that is to be continued for sure...
I am not a fan of any weird strange ladies taking care of my child soooo I proceed with caution on this.
My Town has amazing resources for me.. I get my Oil credits and was offered the food pantry but really don't use it cause eh... I am picky with my food sometimes..lol BUT I know its there if I need it.. I have a card I can use if I go. :) Hmm.what else.....
Oh crazy Fourth of July a transformer blew on the street...It was so funny cause I am outside hangin with my neighbors by the fire pit and BOOM. Now being 4th if July we are all like EH? But when I see that my outside lights are out..DOH. I have never seen power company act so fast...like within a few hours we were UP and running again. Whew...saved my hamburg! haha
Also there is this lady whos mission it is to save all the stray ferrel cats....That is another story! I helped her trap an injured cat named Buddy awhile back and now she wont stop calling me... even if its about a Payless shoe coupon she found... hahah Omg.. Please just take cats and stop coming by 3 times a day to feed them.. Animal control is apparently working with her so hopefully soon... Its also kind of sad the woman who lived there is a hoarder and her home is a MESS... SO hopefully clean up will begin soon but I don't see any new renters on that place unless ya tear it down and rebuild. I think Cat lady sat in her car at least an hour yesterday waiting for a cat to take  the bait...lol A watched Pot never boils....

Anyhooo.....So yeah that's the scoop.
Wednesday already no plans of errands or mount Everest of laundry today...Its already quarter to 11 and lil bug will be home in an hour.
Hope everyone is well and not jumping off any bridges or pulling their eyebrows out.

Me.