Thursday, July 21, 2016

Holla

Hanging out with lil bugger while she drinks here sippy and the AC cranks slowly cooling us off.. Wow its hot today.
Today has been an ok day...The weekend approaches and it always gives me a certain amount of stress....:(  When I imagine Horseface and her kids all having this fake fun time at the beach with him and my madie... my blood boils. Its FAKE. Believe me. Knowing that calms me....
Just have to get thru the weekend! Its only a day and a half! I can do it. NOT A PROB.
Had a blast last weekend in town there was all kinds of happenings...had some good food and drink and heard some fun local music. Mingled with the ville folks and actually felt like I had friends! (hands in the air)
Madie bug has been doing good... We are hangin in there she is happy and I am just taking one day at a time some days are good some not. Eh... Today I am having some nice right side abdominal pain that is being really annoying... I feel as if I pulled something.. Maybe its from lifting madie..maybe its cramps from after my special friend... maybe my appendix will burst.....maybe I slept funny...who knows. Its annoying. Nothing I cant truck on thru but still.... ugh. It only happened once before and went away the next day so who knows. I hate doctors.

My neck is stiff.

Anyhoo... Well  Summer school has been going well...Her aid is a very nice girl who likes to wear sheer maxi dresses...while being a tad on the curvy side... LOL But she is nice and is good with Madie. I cant read her handwriting in the notebook but its all good. She is in school in Boston and works at the school in the summer time.
There is only about 3 more weeks of summer school left than another solid couple weeks off till the new year begins...crazy. I am still having hard time with putting her in new school.

Speaking of crazy...well 3 years this Sept since I sat in court and watched him leave... watched him let go of his family and his house and our marriage...The worse day of my life. I sit and think that its pretty amazing how I am still standing here... and that Madie is still doing well and my Apt is still standing and the cat is still alive... I have become pretty good at fixing small things around the house... I still suck with Money...lol I have a bit of a shopping thing..But the dang bills get paid and sometimes a check or two go bouncy but eh...whatever.  Is he really happy? Does he ever miss us? Does he ever want to try again? Who knows.... :(
I dunno folks.. I'm not going to sit here and say that is how the cookie crumbled cause it is not that laid back to me...
Ill be 39 in less than a month...I am tired of being alone. It sucks. I cant have some other guy around madie...I cant go out and mingle....I have to find a babysitter to do that.. and if you have seen the guys in the ville...bwhahaha POT heads!! Hipsters. and Cyclists...LOL mmmmm biker shorts....

Well going to get on the phones to the med supply company and order some more boost and ask about getting coverage for diapers as well...than I need to find a new dentist before my teeth all rot out of my head. And is it just me or are the mosquito bites the size of houses this year?....

have a sparkling day.




Wednesday, July 13, 2016

One Day at a Time...but you can call me Jamie

Looking forward to a fun weekend in the ville! This is the second Collinsville HOT. Its crafts and Art and Music and food and drink its so fun! Last year I seriously went alone and met up with all kinds of folks..its just the kinda town I live in!
A rushed morning getting bugger off to school today! I woke up at 4am and was tossing and turning and than when I fell back to sleep I woke up and it was almost 8! GAH. Poor baby girl UP out of bed dressed and OFF she goes! Hope her day goes well. Its another humid day..we had such a great streak of weather! I guess we are due eh?

Every Year these Grapes grow and they get larger and larger and the leaves take over.. If only they were edible! Oh Id have free grapes all summer! My own lil wild crop! I read that wild grapes are very bitter so maybe just leave them for the birds to much on. But they sure LOOK yummy! LOL
I took Madie berry picking this summer..remind me not to do that again! HOT as hell and the berries were so small the harvest was shot. :( trudging thru the  mud with a chair is not that fun either.


Summer had been LONG... Shorter school days and shorter weekends...I am still not thrilled about madie being in a different school next year but there is not much I can do bout it..:(!I still have not unpacked the bag her Para packed up for her of all her stuff...stuff that she had gotten for madie to keep her comfortable during her days or warm in the winters or cool in the summer.
Their are huge boots to fill.. and I will be WATCHING. Closely.. I will probably drive the school nuts.
I managed to get away to get my hair done yesterday...oh hell whats a little more on the credit card? UGH. Almost had to bring madie with me since summer school is only like 3 hours and my salon is like 25 minute away... but Awesome Grma saved the day and watched madie for me! It was SO good to see her... Family. She was good and was more than happy to hang tight with madie for a couple hours while I got pampered. :)  I was stuck in a lot of traffic on the way there(every road in CT has decided to do road work) and went wrong way on the  highway and had to turn around...by the time I got to salon I was on verge of tears! Just UGH. Well my hairdresser got me some water and I calmed down and he began my foils.. I talked about how madie almost came with me and he said he would have loved to see her..lol The salon was nice and quiet and I read my gossip mags and just kicked back..wish I could have taken a nap in the spa room! LOL  It was really nice even if just for a couple hours.


Well anyhoo... a lot of things on my mind but eh.. Just taking one day at a time..One hour at a time..Trying to stay positive for someone who had anxiety and depression is tough but I have been journaling my days and trying to write one thing I am grateful for each day...Maybe that sounds hokey..lol I even bought some crazy colored pens and a new journal at Target..Today I was simply thankful for my yummy breakfast I made myself and a Happy Madie off to school :) It works! Ill take it!
My Kissables!!

This is truly my favorite time of day. When we get comfy. Madie props up on my pillows and plays with her rain stick and drinks her sippy and we watch a show and just giggle and relax. And EVERY day I get to do this time with her. I am truly lucky. Its a lonely world at times I wont lie and well chatting with Madie instead of an adult can get strange..LOL (Coo Coo nest) Shes such a good girl. My little World.
I have been thinking about seeking out help with her lately and know a woman who has fought like hell to get Respite for her so she can have a pice of mind once in awhie...and with my shortened weekends I am seriously concidering it... even if just a few hours a week...I dunno... Eh...don't exactly know what it entitles...also I heard that I can get insurance to cover DIAPERS.. So... All of that is to be continued for sure...
I am not a fan of any weird strange ladies taking care of my child soooo I proceed with caution on this.
My Town has amazing resources for me.. I get my Oil credits and was offered the food pantry but really don't use it cause eh... I am picky with my food sometimes..lol BUT I know its there if I need it.. I have a card I can use if I go. :) Hmm.what else.....
Oh crazy Fourth of July a transformer blew on the street...It was so funny cause I am outside hangin with my neighbors by the fire pit and BOOM. Now being 4th if July we are all like EH? But when I see that my outside lights are out..DOH. I have never seen power company act so fast...like within a few hours we were UP and running again. Whew...saved my hamburg! haha
Also there is this lady whos mission it is to save all the stray ferrel cats....That is another story! I helped her trap an injured cat named Buddy awhile back and now she wont stop calling me... even if its about a Payless shoe coupon she found... hahah Omg.. Please just take cats and stop coming by 3 times a day to feed them.. Animal control is apparently working with her so hopefully soon... Its also kind of sad the woman who lived there is a hoarder and her home is a MESS... SO hopefully clean up will begin soon but I don't see any new renters on that place unless ya tear it down and rebuild. I think Cat lady sat in her car at least an hour yesterday waiting for a cat to take  the bait...lol A watched Pot never boils....

Anyhooo.....So yeah that's the scoop.
Wednesday already no plans of errands or mount Everest of laundry today...Its already quarter to 11 and lil bug will be home in an hour.
Hope everyone is well and not jumping off any bridges or pulling their eyebrows out.

Me.




Sunday, July 10, 2016

nothing much today

Here I am.
Well it was kinda a long weekend but Madie bug is home now and cat napping after her bath.. All is quiet in  the ville... Feeling like a hamburger helper kinda night..lol Its been a lot less humid but still too hot to go cooking oven roasters...cause ya know I cook those EVERY day...lol
My oven handle fell off and the door came crashing down nearly taking out my toes! I guess I can laugh about it now but greasy oven roaster jucie on my shirt was not that funny... Since it fell so hard it bent the door and now I am having a new oven delivered Tuesday..Oh bugger... But it will be nice and NEW.I told my landlord not to hammer on the door I think he made it worse...


Summer School is in full swing...Its very short days and doesn't really give me much time to maybe run a couple errands...but its really great to get Madie out and having fun at school :) Even if it is only for 3 hours...LOL
So anyhoo... another weekend down.... going to get my hair done this week finally and have a wedding to look forward to nxt month...Off to Long Island I go!
Tonight maybe a Netflix and early bedtime.
Tired.
Will blog more in next couple days after some rest. Getting kinda hungry too.

me.

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Are you there god? its me Jamie....

I miss my Family... I miss my old house I miss that feeling of togetherness...and HOME... I miss random trips to the beach and Family dinners and I miss my old room that we painted green.. and the messy garden and all the leaves we had to rake and sitting on the deck with the pretty lights at the beach.. I miss cooking for everyone..
Dad and I are not speaking and its making things even more crappy....I'm just so angry at him!! I miss my little family.. I miss our house and all its flaws...and the old door we said we would always replace someday.. and that messy garden..oh boy I have never seen more species of bugs that I did in that garden..
And when Madie brought home a Pumpkin seedling and that thing GREW into an insane plant that looked like it would eat you if you got too close! produced one pumpkin by the way!

I miss my LIFE.... I feel so Sad.... I miss my beautiful wedding ring set that now hangs out in a little box on my dresser.. miss family pictures of love and happiness that now reside in my spider filled basement in a dirty ass box...some even cracked during the move....I miss making memories...together. I don't want to do this alone anymore..
I miss my family most of all... an ache that just keeps on giving... I mean I guess if anyone wanted to see me they would... I dunno. Everyone just looks so happy like I never existed....We were family...It meant the world to me.
I feel sick to my stomach. :(
I had my therapist yesterday and had a good blubbering cry that gave me a terrible headache and I just wanted to go to bed after... She is really cool and put a few things into perspective but I still felt sad and went home and drank too much wine.
yeah...that helped. :(
My sweet girl was up and ready to party today at 530 am this morning and boy that little face... oh my little lovebug. Now fast asleep on her blanket... What will I do when she gets bigger?....Hire a hot male nurse? lol... Its very scary to think about doing this alone forever...growing old alone.. Not exactly what I signed up for. eh?
Well I guess that is enough depressing shit for one day...Feeling sick to my stomach again.

Me.