Thursday, December 31, 2015

Who is Jamie?

Jamie is a Survivor. And not from the fancy hyped up T.V show winning a million dollars..
A survivor of ALOT loss. From the time I was 16 and my father was wheeled out of my house on a stretcher suffering what would turn out to be a fatal heart attack...And being left with a mother who suffered from addiction to her prescriptions and terrible depression..(probably a huge reason why I hate pills..but love my wine...)
She than passed away the year after of overdosing...but that is another story...But its one of the reasons I am a survivor. I have also lost my Best friend to cancer when she was only 22...and oh lets Uncle.. My favorite CAT...My Family My Husband...ya know... not much. I fear loss ALOT. I wish I had family surrounding me every day and did not have to be in this chilly apt alone..(well with my lilk bug)
Who is Jamie? Someone who will remain nameless told be that they refuse to be with anyone who doesn't know who they are..someone who turned my life upside down!! ANYHOO...
Maybe they mean career driven? Okay well let me go and get me a nice job(with my panic attacks) and get calls every week to come get Madie or have her get sick for a week at a time or lets say that Madie has a bad seizure the night before and wakes up very grumpy and sleepy..and I send her in because mom has to work at some shitty bagel shop or Target...and I get the call mid shift saying I must come get her... cause maybe she had another seizure or is crying all day and no one an console her. OOOO Lets make some neuro, GI, Ortho, and Pediatrician appointments while we are at work too...!!! Its a very touchy subject when someone tells me to go get a Job. Madie is my Job... I kinda had that thrust upon me. But it was good to know that that is ALL I identify myself as.... And no they did not tell me to get a Job...for the record.
Who is Jamie?
Jamie is a Mom of course well DUH.
When I was a kid I loved to ride my bike down one of the biggest was an unfinished development and at the top was just dirt and open space..I could get to the top of the hill huffing and puffing..(me and my best friend of course) and we would just do a countdown at the top and coast all the way down.. no helmets no padding no fancy bike with 800 gears on it..Just us and the wind and our bikes.
I feel incomplete. I don't think that signifies that I don't know who I am..Im just incomplete...When I was married and I had my family and we all were together I felt complete. And well its been said CMON JAMIE GET OVER IT ALREADY.
This is loss to me. this is mouring loss like a death to me!
I want that wind in my hair feeling...of just conquer the world and no fears and HAPPINESS.
Who is Jamie? I don't know who I am cause I am not happy?? that's crap.
I had to pick up and change my life when I did not want to change my life! Maybe it sounds like a lame ass excuse at this point while everyone has happily moved on without me around. Have you ever spent a holiday completely alone?? have you ever just ached in your heart so very much that you want to explode! Have you ever seen pictures of the family you love so much having parties without you? ITS AWESOME!!!
I am beyond relived that the holidays are over..I kept getting one lame answer after the next as of why it just was not time for madie and I to stop by...than I am told that the new girl is there.. The BIGGEST horse face I have ever seen...she looks like she is aged but still stuck in 1993... I called him the biggest Jerk ever and told him that its the one day I can see family and he takes it away from me. That is ALL I will say about Christmas. yeah...I think he felt like an asshole after that one.....
I say every year that THIS year has to be better than that last! HAS TO BE! I have since more or less gotten over Christmas at this point...but really??
HAS TO BE BETTER!! No one wants to deal with it anymore...ITS TIME TO MOVE ON JAMIE...look how happy we all are with Horse face now! :D!!

In the meantime there is no time to be all sad when a lil Madie needs her mom! But you melt down anyways.
Jamie is lonely. I am tired of feeling abandoned. Don't tell me I don't know who I am!!
Go ahead and tell me I am a nobody than. Go ahead and tell me that I don't matter anymore because I know that is not true and I know that I do my best I can. Im not a career woman...Im not a marathon runner...Im not a freaking rocket scientist.
Im Jamie. Im pretty freaking awesome for whomever wants to see that...Maybe I just have this big wall up and just don't want to let others in right now...

Jamie is Jamie and well..shes a tough nut to crack.. She is taking quite a Journey and lives one day at a time and Yes she gets terribly sad and lonely sometimes but can also be terribly happy..Family means the world to her and she wants to take care of her own someday again..there is so much love in my heart..:( But in the meantime yeah maybe I am "JUST" madies mom...But a hilariously funny and good lookin one. I have so much love in my heart that no one takes..and I also have anger and resentment in my heart that people steer clear of...maybe folks just don't want me around! Who Knows. PSHT. LOL

Peace Out. End of Rant. Sorry Folks.
Be safe tonight folks the 5.0's are creepin. Stay home! Im just glad we don't have to watch shaky Dick Clark anymore....cause Seacrest has such dreamy veneers.. lol

Me. Or Jamie? Or Madies Mom? Or a Martian??
Happy New Year!!!

I signed him away with a smiley face....even though my soul was being ripped out.


Reagan Leigh said...

Oh Jamie, I'm so sorry you've hsd Togo through all of this. What an ASS your ex was/is. You are a great mom and I know you will hang in there and eventually find happiness again. Keep your head up! Thinking of you and wishing you the happiest 2016 ever!

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