Wednesday, December 9, 2015

I dont know how..

Today I am lacking sleep. I am pretty burned out just from life in general..I love the holidays but I hate them just as much.
The tree is pretty Christmas lights are up..Going to see my side of the family on the 19th for our family Christmas extravaganza...I am pretty pumped...its great Christmas cash and some of us only see each other once a year!

Madie is ok, She had a seizure yesterday and the drop seizures come in clusters almost every morning early..oh my little bug..
still some red tape that Medicaid throws out there like two months after we order her new ride...I have to bring Madie to pediatrician because she has not been in six months so we have to show that she has we can get the chair....sigh. :( So we will go tomorrow. Cant wait.

When things get overwhelming I began to have lots of resentment... I get sad and I get angry and passive aggressive...I get downright depressed!! I hate it!!
Being alone is getting OLD, Packing a bag every weekend for madie and not seeing her every weekend is getting OLD, having this ache in my heart is getting OLD. Living in this drafty oil guzzling apt is getting OLD. These bug bites all over my side are getting OLD!!
I don't know how to handle these things...the bug bite maybe I can...
I feel like I don't have any family in CT anymore....Divorce is a huge dynamic changer. Get ready for the zero invites and zero phone calls and zero contact and zero family dinners and zero vacations and zero anything...Get ready for seeing the one you loved most of your young adult life move on with some single mom with two kids in tow...get ready to see pictures of the four of them and their strollers and shit eating smiles... Get ready. Get ready to feel completely abandoned and replaced. Get Ready. (I am by no means blaming family...oh gosh I love them all so very much I always will. ALWAYS....)

Go out to Walmart big baby buy some of the best big girl panties like up to your waist tan ones!! and put on your ipod on and dance around your apt and cherish being alone..!!.cry some and maybe even have some wine if you so a funny movie tease the cat and make her fall off the bed and call her a dummy... Scream "FUCK IT" at the top of your lungs...breathe.

Then move on... Realize that you have the best of him...Madie..The best ever. The best kid. The best sweet girl ever. That YOU get to see her every day and kiss her and hug her and give her tub tubs and watch silly shows together at night..YOU. (ME!!) Know that you DO have family even though they live farther away and maybe its just time to make new traditions and new memories...after all HE is...why the hell cant YOU!? Know that it is HIS loss...that HE is the one who left and that you loved him despite any flaws and that said and did a lot of crazy shit and you were angry and SCARED that you are certainly no princess thru all this... and by no means perfect...That you would have done all the work needed to just...stay a family...find trust and love...How do you come to grips that this life is FORVER? How do you overcome fears and anger and feelings of abandonment? When all your life people you love the most die or leave?? I have huge fears of huge.

Im really sorry for dumping all that on my reader(s)..I dunno who even reads this anymore..its supposed to be about Madie and her everyday life and now its turning into a dumping ground for my aching heart! UGH> I am blessed in so many ways I cant say that enough..I am just I dunno. I don't know how to pick up my pices and feel OK again. Feel Safe. Feel Warm. (geeze my feet are freezing!)
(I gotta take a break).....

How about a picture!

Oh my lil treasure! pictures make me smile! I am slacking my my Christmas cards maybe today after school Ill get some shots of kiddo..this one I posted is last years ONLY good I think that's what Ill do...dust off the ol camera...
And NO I do not own a pair of giant tan big girl panties!! I have however done all of the above my ipod has a pretty good mix!
Well...Im exhausted. Time to get moving and go grab some Milk and Cereal at the store. Ho Ha Hee Ho Ha Hee La La La La life goes on.


1 comment:

Kenneth Lilly said...

I still read it. And yeah, that sounds hard and real and I'm sorry that this has had to happen to you. Too often in the worl of childhood disabilities it is overlooked that our worlds, the parents worlds, are shattered beyond repair too. Some people don't like to use phrases like that as it implies a permanent state of no joy. Doesn't have to. But acknowledgment that we do face tremendous hurdles is as important a thing to overcoming them as anything I can think of.