Sunday, August 3, 2014

Mistakes and Aches.


I know I know...Man I have been so not motivated. Have you seen Sharknado??

Been feeling kinda down lately....have not been getting to my beloved meetings or my blog! and screwed up bad friday night. I really wont go into it but I have to go get my car tomorrow for an unknown price and face some hefty fines.
I have felt sad. I have felt alone...I have SO much to be grateful for...
I see a picture on facebook of my family folk from his side of the family and who is smack dab in the middle of the thing? HER. I lost it. I looked at her closely and I looked at him standing there in the picture and I lost it. I KNOW that the family loves me and I know that they are always there for me and madie...I know this. Family gatherings were just the best. and there she was. smiling like a chipmunk..with her stupid she was part of the family. My replacement.The one who was better than me...better than Family...Better than our home..better than marriage... what is so great about her? She is certainly not that pretty....nothing to write home about..I hated her I hated him I hated myself for loosing it. they looked like they had fake smiles... I am stronger than this. And friday night I was not. It was not just the picture it was everything..
We had talked earlier and it was nice..we were talking about the time we took madie to florida when she was 10 months old and how it stunk that he was stuck in work meetings most of the time but Madie really liked the pool...and that the room was not that fancy but it was still fun...Then we talked about what she would do if she went to Disney... He tells me that someday we will go to Disney... I am confused...I dont question it I just ache a little...imagining it but not getting my heart into it..I can only see him and HER... Why does he say that stuff to me? Is she moving out? Is he really wanting to go to Disney with me and madie? Sure doesnt seem like she is going anywhere! My heart is so messed up. He knows I was broken by him and his actions...I dunno....then I see this picture taken at my favorite beach place to go... And then I have to fess up to him of my mistake..he is mad...I give him every right to be.. He says he will help me..maybe he does care a little...How would it ever work a second time anyway?? :( Guess I can cancel Disney eh? :-(

I long so much for my little family it aches. And there is nothing I can do about it...Time is all that heals that right?? Acceptance and Forgiveness?

In other news...Madie is almost done with summer school this is the last week! It flew by so fast. She also got a new hair cut with bangs...I was going to kill dad for doing it...I am not a fan of bangs but its hair....She is still cute. I had some pictures of her at this garden park before she got her bangs and she looks so pretty. WEll she is always pretty...

Been having an ok summer so far aside from things... Been to the beach a couple times... Also went to see the nutritionist about her keto diet...Oh man this diet...I long for madie to EAT. Such a think we all just do and dont think...we are hungry and we stuff it in! YUM we eat~ chew..taste...yum. Well...If madie does not gain any weight we have to take her off the diet. Take her off or a TUBE. A TUBE. in my baby girls tummy...forcing the calories and fat into her....I am trying the best I can to get her to eat but even Miles says she eats what she eats! She tall and skinny and 37 pounds...and 7. The docs says that it becomes a health concern and that her body and bones and muscles need to grow...I agree with this as well..but take her off the ketocal?? The ONLY thing that has brought her to life and taken SO many demon seizures away from her. My sweet girl was having a big seizure every week! And this diet...oh how I pray she can put on a few pounds before our next apointment.. I cant even think of an alternative...its just too much on my plate. Give her more Give her more...put oil in her sippy...more oil..less oil..get four meals in get five meals in no get four meals...I cant seriously spend an all day in and day out obsession with feeding allll the time...ugh.
And the food wont go down...and the weight wont go up. she sure gets taller! a little over three feet tall..
I guess that is all on my mind this evening...Maybe I gave up too much who knows...I dont think I have that many readers
I gotta watch True Blood me my vampire shows!

Ill be ok. :) I have faith. I have too.


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