Wednesday, June 11, 2014
My Higher Power...
I supposes its been awhile...School is almost over and summer break will begin for a couple weeks before summer program begins...Madie has been well...aside from a stomach virus that hit her a couple weeks ago with lots of vomit and lots of other smelly stuff...we have overcome it and here we are.
Its a rainy day in CT today but that is ok...waters my plants and cools us off for a bit. Weather has been so nice I wont complain if I am sweaty however! Winter seemed to never end!
Everything is going well...I am feeling alot stronger emotionally lately....
Accepting the things I cannot change.
My little family has been broken up for some time now...and I guess you could say I have always held on hope for the guy I used to know..the one who loved family..the one who loved me...the one who would do anything for me and his family...for me and Madie...I held on no matter what hurt my heart endured... I HELD ON. It was it for me. I believe in Marriage. Family. Boy do I ever. Accepting that Me and Madie are it is HARD. Letting him go on and live his life and trying to go on and live mine...separate. I do not wish this on anyone. The relationship we have now is strange. We still text every day..we talked about a time when we took a trip to NY and partied and drove home blasting funny music and laughing our buts off...back then he told me that it was the trip that he knew he wanted to spend his life with me.... bringing it back into my memory made me cry that day. I wanted to go to the bar and drink away my hurt....my longing for him to come back.. feeling stupid that I would even take him back when he has clearly chosen someone else over me.(Good Luck with that) I just cried. Part of me wanted him to tell me he was happy now...that he is content with his new life...but do I really want to know? He wont say if I ask him..that is the saddest part. why not? fear of hurting me? Kinda late for that eh?
I have been alcohol free almost 30 days. Its not something I will go in depth about but while going thru what I was going thru I drank ALOT. I had nothing together. I was tired, Anxious as all hell, Sad, depressed... and I wanted to escape. Its been very tough...I LOVE wine..the smell..the tastes...the effect... you get it.
That day talking about old times I wanted to go to the bar I got in my car and I began to drive there...(Madie had been picked up)I had to stop right before the turn into the parking lot and let an elderly man cross over the crosswalk. He had an equally as old dog with him..a small little thing. Well as he was crossing the dog became all nervous and he was practically pulling it across the street... All of a sudden the damn thing began to shit as it walked across the street! Thru my tears I began to laugh...
I drove past the turn and went to the grocery store instead and got a frozen pizza for dinner.
I feel its taken me 36 years to find my higher power...I get emotional saying that cause it really feels like a higher up is giving me strength to move forward...without a drink. without HIM. I have lived in fear and anger for TOO LONG. I have lived in panic attacks and hangovers and felt like SHIT. I cant do it anymore. I just cant. I have to be strong.
Accept the Things I cannot change. Oh dear lord I miss him every day...I miss the guy I knew...maybe part of me hopes he is still there trapped someplace and will come to his senses and be back....even after legally breaking us..begging to be back with his family...Its pretty sad. :( He was my love. I miss that Husband Man so very much. Its still very hard to imagine not growing old together...Sigh...I dunno.. Sorry. I feel overwhelmed with Madie sometimes and remembered how well we could Tag Team any situation with her..
I almost sold my rings...the guy at the jewelry store would only give me $550 for all the set...I took them back and said no way. Than I just cried....how could I part with these precious things..? I cant. Not Now.
I Feel like a different Jamie right now. Clear headed. Less Anxious. Less Depressed. Saying that I am over things would be a lie but I am in a better place. My sweet Madie..Oh how she has grown. I will always have the best part of him no matter what...and her pretty little face is right above! The Giggle. The kissable little cheeks. The hanging out with mom on the fluffy bed watching late TV...reading stories...having silly tub time blowing bubbles..sending her off to school each day rain or shine. And also having an AMAZING family on both sides who unconditonally love and support Madie and I OH my gosh I dont know what I would do without them! I love my family SO very much. I am so grateful. No one can top that or take that away from me. :)
Summer Break is soon and I really would love to get Madie to the beach for a few days at least. And how can I not go to the awesome Taco place and used book store as well? :)
We are good. Madie and Mama. Just Us.
I have to cut short realizing that the bus will be here soon with Madie San. Hope this blog was not too depressing. I am actually feeling pretty good. Broke but good.