Thursday, January 16, 2014

Sunrise in my heart...slow and steady....


Overslept AGAIN and had to bring miss madie to school...oh bugger. I have been told by numerous people to get an alarm clock..Let me explain the alarm clock It takes me long enough to fall asleep as it is...and knowing that this device will wake me up un announced makes it worse! I get anxious a lot. not just about having a stupid alarm clock but it stems from a lot.
Bla Bla Bla...Not like she goes to a university! Its first grade folks.

I have been a on and off at peace with life lately....I can still be my passive aggressive bitch sometimes in my moments...for sure I will not deny that I have anger and depression still... At times if I look too much at the big picture I upset myself. Not so much the future with Madie....just ME....where will I find peace...calm happiness... sunshine. love. beauty. I have not a clue. I take it one day at a time...and if there are days when I am running around all day doing errands or days I am at home cleaning and doing mounds of laundry or days I am just being a Veg....Its how it is. I Miss what always felt safe and normal....

I am so blessed with my family and my sweet girl...She is the best kid ever. Like and I mean Ever. Its not easy to be with us...we demand a lot... I at times blame that for my failed marriage...that ME and MADIE demanded too much of him and he was overwhelmed with it and I pushed and pushed and pushed....And he ran further and further away and got in the end I GUESS what he really wanted..Dont ask me! I left with what I needed to LIVE.... Which honestly does not make up for my family breaking apart but its what I HAD to do....If that makes any sense. :(

I know the man who loved Family and Marriage and was romantic (gave best flowers!) and liked to grab my butt (g rated!) and kiss me and I tell ya its STILL hard to forget that. Sometimes I overlook all the Hurt and just miss him and grow tired of being angry. Then the harsh reality of him being gone and not just on some "long break" hits...Its hard..tears shed. Sometimes my emotions run wild. I have never stopped loving him even in my darkest angriest ugliest moments....Never.
I had 700 chances for him and maybe I still have a few tucked in my pockets and drawers.....*sigh* Anger is slowly lifting from my heart....Hes not an easy person to figure out. Hes a Jerk but he was my Jerk. lol

I do know that we both love our Madie and we both will go above and beyond for anything she needs. I am blessed that he is not some crazy guy strait off the Maury show LOL I was just watching the end of one show and the gal was SO CERTAIN that this guy was the dad and he was not and she was saying the test was lying and that it was wrong..LOL Oh man...trainwreck.HAHA
I can sit here and crank up the adele music and cry my eyes out and feel sorry for myself...But I cant....
I wonder what the moms at school think.... "Poor woman her husband left her and she has such a load with her Madison" ..."Oh I could never do what she is doing...alone" "Oh Judy just be thankful our kids are normal and we have loving husbands" "Boy she is going to need help"
OK OK NO ONE has said that to me I promise and if they did I would tell them how I do it...
I Just do. I have no choice and I love Madie and we have a roof over our heads and food in our bellys and its all we need. I hope someday we can both just find trust and forgiveness in our hearts and just "be" Love our baby girl and family and friends and Have a little sunshine. If that makes any sense. Try to put a lot behind us and start fresh.
Well Kiddo will be home soon and I best be getting myself She was quite a little challenge last night..I think she is riding on the constipation express if ya know what I mean...woke at 6 crrrrrying with a big messy diaper. But NO call from school! lol
Oh and can I just say that when you run out of ketocal and the pharmacy tells you on the day you NEED to pick up the monthly stash that they were unable to get it since the supplier is on back order....what do you do?? Call 10 Pharmacies and NO ONE has any in stock to just tide us over it ALWAYS has to be ordered...ended up having to go to Hartford childrens hospital(well my trusty assistant Dad)to get a couple cans. And No Pharmacy still does not have the cases we need... Now with he half can we have now we just hope it comes in to the random CVS I had to order from tomorrow after 2.. My trusty assistant will pick up the stash from CVS near his office. WHEW>
Ready for the weekend. And a little sunshine.

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