Thursday, November 7, 2013

Emotionally Drained. Carry On.

A tropical beach bungalow over the own dock to jump off of and snorkel gear to go breeze room and soft beds...white sand beaches and clear turquoise water.
I could do it ya know. I could book that vacation...maybe not in a bungalow but on a beach of some sort. WHOS IN??
I have been so drained Emotionally...I have lost a lot. I am sad. I am quiet. I am just Here Blah. I want to laugh and love and be me again. I want to go on one of those Eat Pray Love Journeys... I will soon gain a large sum from the home I was once living in .. Its more money than I have had in a long time. I know I first and foremost I have to pay off my credit card and fill my oil tank so I don't freeze this winter... and get new tires on my poor car. Other than that I plan on stashing in bank. For me....For Madie. For my Family. Maybe even a new cell I have no plans...(It was nice to see "Zero" by his name as well.....)
I just keep on doing what I am doing really. I am a crazy woman who fought hard for her family to stay together and in the end I say I still won... But all the money in the world cannot make up for my broken heart. I am good person who just wanted to love..and if someone shows me love I love them back Is that how it works??
Im 36..Single mom...disabled child.... I dont want to DATE...Im not in freakin high school and I am not having some mid life crisis...I married my love I married my best friend...HE was it. I was gonna get old with that guy!!......But Like I said a vacation would be amazing huh? Bermuda or Hawaii or even back to Cancun Mexico.... I dunno.. just brain farting it feels nice to think of the beach and how warm the water would be...

A rainy day today and COLD. ....I have caught madie in a drop seizure twice while typing this.. She has been doing Ok.... I HATE SEIZURES I HATE THEM. I am sick of dealing with them I am sick of seeing them I am sick of meds and this gross diet which was the ONLY thing that cut her seizures down ALOT. I never smell Vanilla the same. ;P She is sitting here with her tounge constantly out of her mouth...slurping noise that drives me nuts....I really want to blame her (there she goes again that one knocked over my water) teeth missing and all the open space for her tounge to go but who knows.....
I sit here having NO clue how I am going to manage when this kid gets older...Is this my life forever?? Like Really??

UGH OK maybe that is just me being annoyed.... I dunno.
Im so drained.
The final chapter went down yesterday as I signed away my former home....All for what he wants. Nothing I can do anymore. I would not wish the hurt I have been thru on anyone....A long time it took. I was not willing to let go. Maybe I still have hopes... I dunno anymore. I will always love him with so much of my heart...forgiveness will take some time. willing to talk to him without anger and tears will take some time. We have to co-exist at some point for Madie. He knows how I feel about all this and I can only pray that he hears my words and knows that he had a family that needed him and a wife who would have stood by him. It was tough I know but to me it was never a reason to distance myself and leave...Me You and Madie. US. Love. No Matter what.

I love you Madie girl with my full heart. I am putting our new place together and have most of what I really need...I DID have a house full of it was not like I had zero. One day at a time for now. Sorry to be so depressing I guess I will feel a little better after spiting out this blog. Gonna relax tonight and watch some Game of Thrones re-runs and Parenthood. :) Thanks to everyone who loves and supports me and madie girl. It makes me smile and makes me hopeful. SO much love.
Don't know plans for Turkey Day yet.. I know Madie and I are always welcome at Grandma and Grandpas house for turkey yums..and I AM the Casserole Queen AND stuffing Just sayin.

Hugs Hugs and More hugs/
Heres another picture to make anyone smile: A flower pot is a perfectly good place to grow a kitty.

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