Dear God its me Jamie....

I don't go to church much... When I was a kid trying to bring all three of us kiddos to church resulted in some kind of meltdown and one of us having to go outside till mass was over...or just leaving all together. We eventually just stopped going I suppose. My father would get up early and go to the store and get all the fresh warm rolls and corn muffins and eggs and make a big Sunday Breakfast instead. I know scrambling eggs is not for geniuses but DANG I make some good eggs. lol I guess you could say I was always taught to do what felt right.. and if It turned out wrong I would have learned my lesson. I am scared. I am angry. When I feel my wall coming down and forget about things for awhile.. I am reminded that I need to keep it up... and its exhausting.
I have found myself praying a lot. Sometimes honestly I don't know to WHO.. God up there listening? There are billions of people asking from him each day am I just a needle in a haystack? Does he have a million secretaries? Like the one time I wrote a letter to Micheal J Fox when I was a kid and wanted an autograph...LOL I got a movie poster with a typed letter and stamped signature... I used to have a Cindi Lauper autographed pic though...:) Maybe god is a good thunderstorm or the rainbow afterwards shining down on all of us.. maybe god is when Madie has a good seizure month...Maybe god is when suddenly I get a call and my inlaws saying they have an extra AC for my place after days of sweltering hot temps.. Maybe he is the days when I feel strong... Your guess is as good as mine. I feel very helpless...its going to be life of extreme penny pinching and no money for anything extra...not much of a life really outside of bills and groceries and gas.... A life I kinda feel backed into a corner to go along with.... :(

I have prayed that my family finds its way. I have prayed that Miles finds his way. I have prayed that I can have the strength to carry on. To be strong for my Madie girl most of all. I pray that there is love out there. courageous love! (I am a little odd) someone who will love me for me. someone who understands that I can get tired with Madie and will plan special things for us to give me a break. A lover and a fighter...ready to try new things with me and be excited about it. Laugh with me. Keep me warm mentally and physically...and wants too. if that makes any sense without sounding dirty...lol but heck if it does so what. ;)
Someone who doesn't try to love me. I am more than that and so is madie. We are a team. We have big love in us. Holla.

This is not meant to be a sob story Im just saying. NEVER in a million years did I think this is how things would be. I have a lot of family and friends surrounding me and two therapists trying their darndest...and a wonderful school that will go above and beyond for Madie. Even with all that its hard not to have the one person you just want to hug you so tight and tell you that they are there and everything will be alright. Its a very helpless feeling. Sorry...sometimes this blog can get depressing. Just have to get some thoughts out..

In other news still waiting to go get Madies new ride.(convaid cruiser in purple and black) And all her Retts Syndrome blood work came back normal. Seizures were good last month..one I thought I heard but when I went in her room to see she was fast asleep with her arms behind her head.. lol so who knows!
Hope everyone is well.. kisses to all our sweet little ones.