Monday, September 17, 2012

Finding Peace...

IM ALIVE!!! Oh my sweet girl is getting so big.. 3 weeks into Kindergarten already! Her teacher is sweet woman who is new to the school and I was really hesitant with the NINETEEN kids in the class... but she has a teacher with her at all times so its okay. I was spoiled with the Preschool class she was in...I miss them so much in that room! :(!!
Seizures continue to be kinda the same...no real news on those ugly things..boo. But madie is still such a happy girl. Oh man my little blessing she is. ALOT of big changes are coming very soon for us. My Husband is still deciding upon going thru with divorce. I have held on for months... I am more sad by this at this point than scared. I am more at peace with it.I by no means choose to go in and sign papers with lawyer... In two weeks we sign papers to begin the process and Madie and I move into a cute as heck apartment. yep. Well He will be in the near empty house until it sells. This breaks my heart. Oh how I love him dearly. So long we have known each other and well...here we are. I really really hope that we find love for each other in some way after all this.Close friendship or more...Time will tell. We both love madie with all our hearts and she will always be taken care of. ALWAYS. NO ONE IS DEAD BEAT ANYTHING HERE! I know he loves me and he knows I love him that will never change. Maybe it will take the split to make us realize if we really were or weren't meant for each other... I kind of scare myself when I began to feel "ok" I know he will take care of madie and I and its not a fear of never having a roof over my head or doing all this Single Parent stuff on my own...Its fear of getting over him. How could I possibly get over him? How did I get over my first love who dumped me for some girl he said he wanted to marry (and divorced later..lol)?? I threw my phone against the wall and cried for WEEKS!! I put all his stuff he ever gave me and I put it in a bag on his moms porch! I was devastated! I look back and know that if we ever married it would never have worked...LOL I have him on my facebook and I could not me happier for him with a new wife and great life! Hes a good guy but when we were 20 we were just kids! I can sit here and hope that Miles sits in the empty house and feels the pain! Hope that he feels like complete SHIT...that he realizes what he threw away! Alot of mean things have been said. Angry things out of FEAR. I do not wish anything on him as he sits in the house...what he feels is what he will feel. I have to show myself and the world that I am stronger than this. Love will conquer all. Find peace and love in my heart. Even to Miles. I have to accept this new beginning for madie and I and be strong. My therapist says I have abandonment issues...maybe so. WHO wants to be alone?? PSHT! not me! I have lost alot of loved ones in my life at a young age. Does it all stem from loosing my parents?? I miss his charm and his romantic side. I miss laughing with him. I miss being held...I feel like those parts of him have died in a way...and that can make me cry alot. Maybe the Miles I knew is really gone? Maybe he is just lost. I know he is a great guy...I have called him many terrible things these past many months and said some terrible jabs. FEAR. Im lonely for sure. My new place on the other hand is very nice in a older duplex just me and another girl next door with her husband and her cousin...still close to madies school and within walking distance to alot of neat things.. Seeing a for sale sign in front of my house while I wait for it to sell was not in my cards...if I have to move I have to move. Found this place and couldnt let it go! I dont know what the future holds but it can only get better. I HOPE! I hope whomever moves into my house finally fixes the porch and re models the bathrooms and puts in new counter tops...lol and forgives me for the bad paint jobs I did in the bathrooms..steaming wallpaper was hard! I hope they have a baby girl and leave the monkeys I stuck to madies walls up..:( I will NOT cry while I type! Miss madie is now up from her catnap and fussy for mama to come get her...I will loose my trains of thoughts. Sorry for any typos! Please Please send prayers that this is the right thing to do and that Miles and I can find each other in our hearts to make peace with each other in a loving way. I will always have his hand no matter what even if he doesn't want me holding it. I cant help that. Next couple weeks will probably fly by. I wish they would move slower. XO me.

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