Thursday, November 1, 2012

Healing as best we can

Where to begin... Oh man things have been thrown at me very fast and furious. I am not the best with change or having to leave where I am comfortable... It only took three hours for movers to move my things from my home I once lived in to a new apt about 3 minutes away from where I lived. Three Hours.... It took Seven years for my marriage to fall apart right before my a rug being torn out from under me... It took Madie no time to adjust to her new room and new surroundings...she was great. It is still taking me time to accept that this is what is to be. Its very hard for me to accept that we wont end up together again even after divorce... I know I know its super lame... We have said alot of things to each other... I do not care to go into the things I have witnessed or things that I have said or he has said. Things are pretty cut and dry. We plan to try a good sit down and talk soon....Yes i am scared shitless. We both just long to be able to sit down and TALK to "chill" and maybe even laugh again....have a glass of wine and some dinner and TALK. I have hard time talking to my own husband out of just nerves and SO much built up anger for all that has happened...He is there but he is not there..hard around edges...cold when he was so warm at one time.. my own husband. I have so many blessings...friends and family and loved ones helping me cope sending madie presents and even the school making sure that madie has bus transportation both ways to school even if she is the only kid on the bus..(my car battery died one day and I could not bring her!) She is in a special backpack program that gives her bags of goodies like diapers and wipes and even some fun things for mom sometimes. SO blessed. I have so much support its overwhelming. Its hard to explain that while all that is great so many times all I want is my Husbands support and partner. you know, the guy I signed up to spend all eternity with?? And he is not there and I ache for it! When I was scared or upset I would go to him! It was never a question. Time will heal me. Time will....and no one will let me fall. My sweet girl needs her mom and I need her. I am lucky just in the sense that I have her each day and get to see her and hear her giggles and cries and play with her and go out to even the drug store with her! Today I was filling my gas and she was laughing in the reason just laughing....oh silly girl. New place is coming along I suppose...I am still in need of some things but they will come. not rushing at all. My new place is a place of peace and no lies. Just Love. I hope everyone is well...and dont worry no matter the outcome Madie and I will be okay. Love will get us thru. (I think she has a present in her diaper for me now.) XO Me

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