Friday, October 7, 2011

Remembering Each other.

`There were days. Days of Pure Joy. Days of being Spontaneous. Days filled with Kisses and over the top love and excitement! There were days! Days we MUST find again. Days that have become so mundane and repetitive and tiring and there has been no time for that time. US time. Jamie and Miles Time. We have forgotten about each other. We go about each day and each day comes to an end and each day begins and they just seem to blend into each other.
When you have a child with special needs its the biggest challenge you will ever face. EVER. Oh that and Marriage combined WITH a special needs child.
Its a baseball bat to the head kind of reality check. A WHOAH take moment and remember each other. HELLO?? Im over here! Im your WIFE! Im your HUSBAND! hoo hoo!! helllloo?!!
It pains me. I feel my heart ache. I miss the old days and I know that I cannot go back in time and have that life again. if time machines existed maybe go back one day...ok Im joking about the time travel thing.
Things have been tough. My Life revolves around Madison and I need to get myself back. Claim Myself!
I want to work out something with Madies school and care for Madie. Like a sitter type thing. Also work out some kind of spend the weekend or an overnight with Grandma sometimes..say oh like once a month..(haven't run that by her Maybe go on a spontaneous trip to Anytown USA. Go see a cool band and stay out late and screw the consequences of getting up early with madie! (hints the overnight trips)
Sigh. I dunno. Therapy?? Should I go to Therapy? Should WE go to therapy? Can we make it thru this? Can we find each other again?? Im here! really I am! I am under this tired face..these pajama pants and messy hair...Im here. I just cant find me.

I miss it. I have known my Hubster since I was 18! yes, 18..but we did not date right away we kinda began dating when we were about 22 Id say. (or at least I was.) and we dated for 4 years till he popped the question to me. then we married a year later in Oct O5. We have YES been thru alot. I am not going to go into the entire Jamie and Miles Saga...but we survived it. We did it. Together! We got Pregnant very quickly. Too Quickly. But nonetheless were excited and scared about it at the same time. Madie will always be unconditionally loved and is so pretty...just so stinkin pretty....It breaks me how pretty she is. How sweet she is...
Now this is the biggest challenge we have faced... Making time to remember each other when we are consumed by a special needs child and Miles working lots of late days end its KAPOOT. ZONKED. Exhausted. Ready for nothing but bed..bed.
My eyes are dry today from the tears I just dont know what to do. I guess we have to tackle this head about it. Im Terrified. I need this whole thing called life to work. And crap, its so hard.
Unhappy with the same ol same ol crap....and nothing else. Going out to dinner is one thing. Ok we do that all the time.. maybe just get Madie to bed early if that is ever possible and take a moment and enjoy some dinner at home or a movie or whatever..sit at the table instead of in front of the TV and enjoy.TALK LAUGH LOVE.

I feel right now babysteps. I am sad I am feeling like I am walking on thin ice. We both need to get to know each other again and remember why we fell in love those years ago. I Love you Hubby. Very Much So. Lets not Break. U and Me. Lets do this~

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