Friday, May 6, 2011
It has been a long time since I really acknowledged Mothers Day as a Holiday...My mother Greer Voegler has been gone a long time. When Drugs took her life...I feel as if I can be pretty open here. Each and every day I think of her in some way. Need her advice or just need her witty personality to cheer me up..or to laugh with her, to listen to music with her, to go shopping with her... All of this was taken away from me. Drugs had won. I was bitter for awhile but never blamed her for what happened to her. Drug addiction is an illness. A disease.
Miles ran over the baby warmer they had in my room when madie first made her appearance in the world and snapped this picture. All 8pounds 10oz of her! I was so thrilled that she was HUGE...LOL I just love BIG babies! Had a woman at my Job tell me "Girl, your gunna have an 8 pound baby" "I can just tell" hahah I would be happy with a hearty 7 pound er I told her. She was right.
Was still in bed with the ol Novocaine legs and snapped this one of the new Dad. The two loves of my life. I have never felt such a euphoria as I did that day. Nothing about disabilities or Seizures or feeding issues or not walking at 4 years old or Ketogenic Diets run thru my mind on this day.
Dreams. Dreams run thru my mind. Dreams of hanging out with a little mini me...A partner in Crime. A silly witty smart little girl. OUR girl. Our silly Girl. She will laugh every day. She will run and play and drive me crazy with her curiosity, she will be so smart in her world. She will explore and break things and fall on her knees and skin them...We will shop together and give each other fashion advice. We will garden together in the dirt outside and get scared of bugs together....yeah we were going to be a team to be reckoned with. Everything I grew up doing and then some! I was scared as hell but I was ready.
I would not change the way things have gone for anything. I would not wish madie any different with her sweet smiles and funny noises and loveys..it Madie. Just Simple Madie.
My Mother in the good days. She was so pretty. I miss her so much. Cant go back in time to make things different...I cant go into the story of what happened that night of her death...it was a mystery to me for a long time..The Addict that came with the drugs that my mother died from is dead in his grave now so there really isnt anyone to be mad at..Time has healed me. Time has not brought back my mother. if I saw her again I probably would crumble into her arms and cry Mommy...for real. She was so stinking crazy..one of the cool hip moms that just embarrassed the crap out of you whenever she could...lol I have acquired alot of her and find myself being like her ALOT. sigh. Sometimes hard to believe I myself have the responsibility of a small child now and that I met and married my husband.. I am truly blessed. Alot of tragic things have happened to me..I felt angry at the world for giving me such a gorgeous child and giving her seizures. It just was not fair. WHY do I get that? Some say I am so strong to have gone thru what i have gone thru..sometimes I feel like the weakest person alive! and God knew that when he choose me for Madie. he knew I was going to be mad at him...he knew.. But he knew that Miles and I were the best she can have. That this sweet little girl needed love.
(whew, cue water works)
Happy Mothers Day.