Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday Little Boo Boo.
Four Years Old. Geeze.
We by no means made a fuss of her B-day...I even had a big ol cake with no one to eat it...even Madie did not try some...dunno. I was just not that into it. Wishing she was different at four. Bigger. More advanced. I say each year to myeself "Madie this will be a big year! Big things to come!" and she seems the same to me. :(
I was thinking alot of my parents and how I miss them.
Then I think if they had not passed away I would have never moved to CT and I would have never met my Miles(thats the hubster) and alot would have never happended...
It was meant to happen.
I have dreams that my father faked his death and that he comes back to me...like literally to my doorsteap. Telling me he is sorry for leaving me and that he had to do what he had to do...
I remember his funeral as the most traumatizing day of my life. We drove in a snow storm to Union City NJ to my familes funeral home and the whole ride (I was 16) I was listening to my Eric Clapton in my walkman....Tears in Heaven was the jam of the night....*sigh.
I was unable to walk to the front of the funeral parlor...my knees shook and bucked out from under me. He had a smirk on his face as he layed in the fancy "final resting place".....
I dont remeber anything else about that day. Is it so weird how our brains work and block out things?? I seriously dont remember much. I know that I remeber his warm hands and his great big hugs and his cheesy jokes and the smell of coffee and cigarettes on his clothes after a day of work.. about a year after dad died so did Mom.
My sister and I were sent to CT to live with my Great Uncle...who was OLD....he has since passed away...now as a more responsible adult I wish more than anything I could make ammends with him and tell him I am sorry for smoking pot in my bedroom.....and of course driving him nuts....staying out all night...
I hope he sees me from heaven and is proud of me...and knows that I am sorry for being such a punk. ( I had pink hair too!!!)
Suppositly I stood up in a court room and said that I wanted to go to CT....(we lived in MD)
To this day....I am 33 I do not remember doing that. My Uncle and I were at Odds ALL the time...I was 17 going on 18....No parents and WHO CARES...I inhereted a big life insurance policy that my dad had...at 17 I was granted 52 THOUSAND dollars!!
GONE.
where you may ask?? Gap, TjMaxx, Craft Stores, the MALL, shoes, Cigarettes, Booze, Express, The Limited, Bed Bath Beyond.....LOL Gawd....you name it I shopped there.I was 17!! and feeling like I could buy anything I wished! I wish like heck that I was not granted that money till I was older.. Boy we could sure use that money now... Well if dad was alive Id take that instead!

Dunno where all this is comming from tonight....*sigh* Just thinkin.

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Next Day.
Whew, That is an earfull..almost just deleted it but heck, Ill just leave it.
Today we head to families house to have dinner tonight with everyone. Madies Auntie Brenda is comming to visit and we will ambush her with food folks and fun after her travels..lol
Happy Birthday Madison. mama loves you. Please be a good girl for me tonight!! Happy Happy Joy Joy.