Tuesday, March 23, 2010

keeping my faith...

I am feeling so rundown today. So helpless. So Frustraited.
I try to gather my thoughts this morning as my madie sleeps after having a seizure that she held onto just a few seconds too long. It was her usual movement but stayed stiff for at least 4 seconds and was in a daze after...I wanted to breakdown crying. WHAT IS GOING TO WORK!??? Where is the light at the end of this long dark Tunnel Epliepsy...just when I feel like we see some light I am mistaken..maybe just a seizure running with a flashlight...(hey that was good)
I have done so much reading about seizures that my brain feels like it will explode. I am always looking for new information on meds and their effects and different things on how to handle childrean with special needs...and quite frankly my brain wants to explode from all that too!
We went to Target yesterday where I overspent as usual and we were alllmost out of the store and madie was doing great in the big girl carriage since I had to buy some toxic stuff like Draino and all purpose spray I did not want to use her stroller...
Well we were almost done paying as a scramble thru my way to small but my only Coach Handbag she has a seizure and whacks her head on the side of the carriage..WITH the carriage protector on! the one little spot where the protector had shifted exposing the red carriage she bumps her head...Sccccccrrrreeeaaaming..
I was unconcerned with the people starring at me...I held her for a minute giving her loveys and she actually wrapped her arms around my neck.. I just wanted to say "what! you ever see a child with special needs before!!" My heart was aching I had to get out of there pronto.
I paid and got the heck out of there. she had calmed down at that point and was happy to get into her carseat. I looked back at her sweet little face and told her we are going back to madies house and we can have a nice warm bah bah and play in her noisy box gym. Onward.
I called the Nuero this Am...right before I began typing and with tears in my eyes left a message just asking if there was ANYONE who can tell me the right thing to do! I mean I am her mother I should just KNOW...and it kills me that I just dont. I truely yurn for my Parents...how I would tower over my mother hugging her and her love for that potent Elizabeth Taylor Purfume in that tacky purple bottle...or holding my fathers hands and how his fingers were too big to fit between mine and how after he died I wore his gigantic winter coat over my 120 pound 5 ft 8 frame for months. I was really upset when I realized I forgot to go in the basement and get that coat when we had to abruptly leave our home and all the insides were going to the estate..
Ok so its a down day. A Gloomy day from the gorgeous weather we were having...gee cant we just grrradually ease into gloomy days instead of waking up to them? Madie has another snotty sneeze fest going on AGAIN....and I cant keep her nose clean..yucko.
Tonight, I cheer up with an all new LOST...my obesssion and maybe some Thai Food...my other obsession...lol and maybe madie will go to bed early to give me a break. :)
Uhhhhh Im done. Ill blog in a couple days.Running out of steam..time to play some mindless facebook games....

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