still kickin...

Here I am...
Well feeling alot on my plate..not only with Madie and just wanting to whisk myself away on one of those Eat Pray Love journeys...or a beautyful white sand beach with a cold drink and the blue water with handsome strangers bringing me towels and massages...shoot.A place where I wont feel like a fatso in my bathing suit! throw in a crazy love affair..why not!

Things are going...its still cold and the heat is still cranking out oil that I have never had money for and bills are waiting impatiently to be paid...a new laptop feels about as far fetched as a tropical vacation! :(
Madie continues her grand maul a week trend...and its just how it is...what kills me most is that for a LONG time it was good....now off her keto diet feeding her tons of sugar and carbs to try to put some weight on her small frame...its how it is.
Talked to her school social worker and she was going to see if Madie qualifies for anything weathor it be services or money for this and that...says I deserve these things...
A non working mom with bad anxiety and living on her alamony..I feel people will look down on me and tell me to JUST get a job..get up and work while Madie is at school! I try to explain that its hard for me to jump up and join the workforce...I feel like a loser. Some have no idea how much school Madie misses....when she gets sick its for a WEEK...when she has a seizure the night before she is all out of sorts the next day..maybe Im just making lame excuses. throw in apointments...we are about to add two more new doctors to the mix..a GI doctor and an orthopedic doc... going to get her fitted for AFOs and with GI talk G-tube..and possibly back on keto diet but Im not sure yet...
I am so worried with her seizures and her growth.... it makes my brain wizz.
Then throw in the complexity of Miles and I.... sigh. that is a whole other 18 hundreds pages.
Spring/winterthatneverends break is this coming week...I had no idea of this till a few days ago so really did not psych myself up for it but its here. rumors of 65 degrees but I have to see to believe at this point. ugh.
Sorry to be such a debbie downer.. just feeling burned out. I dunno..feeling lonely for love and family. trying to stay afloat. Hope everyone is well and healthy and hopefully warmer than we are.
Have to add a happy note in here and say I had a pretty good Easter. last minute drive to Jersey to see some family folk. was pretty good time with LOTS of food! seeing all madies lil cousins was a hoot. hilarious kids! Patrick sang his Easter Jesus song while Gracie plugged her ears..LOL sooo funny! felt very blessed. :) I hope the summer brings beach trips and family get togethers. I miss it so much.

I guess thats all I have to ramble about today. just me and kiddo tonight and we will see dad tomorrow :)
hugs everyone

till next time.

me