Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Holidays Shmolidays

One of the hardest things about my little family not being under the same roof is when the holidays roll around... I need to get over the fact that I am not automatically going to family gatherings anymore...that I am flying solo.. :( I miss the other side of the family so very much and try to not thing about it too much..
For thanksgiving he did not want me there...he said he"just needed the day" I have to just try to understand it.. but I wont lie I cried the whole day wishing I was there... I LOVE turkey day and I love cooking some killer side dishes and pigs in blankets and eating tons of cheese and crackers and seeing family....
I decided to make the best of it ...I made my own turkey! I went on my cool AP for Target called CARTWHEEL and got some mobile coupons for oh..nothing big..5%..10% off certain food items... I say I did all of thanksgiving for under 50 bucks. It ended up me and one friend who came over and we just ate and had some wine. It was nice and she was nice to come over. Oh and madie was with me too :)
Its really hard to imagine all this long term..Is this LIFE? IS there anyone else out there for me with half a brain? Is there anyone else who I can love as much? I really cant answer all that right now.... Some say GET OVER IT> MOVE ON> cmom JAIM you can do this!
Sigh.... Cut me a break eh! lol. I still love him and I still get nervous when I see him...I still try to imagine how life will be...I cant give anyone a guarantee that I will have another love right now. It not really in my cards... Solitary is ok right now. I am ok with it. :(

As Christmas comes along I am looking forward to a "Very Jersey Christmas" as I call it this year...Every year its so worth the trip. I miss my side of the family very much as well! SOmetimes Chritsmas is the only time that we ALL can get together...And as far as bringing Madie I really dunno yet..Its alot of work and its a very busy day... This is all a week before actual Christmas so I am still uncertain if I will see his side of the family then or not...I try not to think about it too hard and just see where it goes. :/ Wait for the invite per say??
No matter..I am blessed with SUCH an awesome family on both sides who love me and love madie. Although we dont see each other much anymore we are still and always will be family. IT means so much to me...Family. Maybe its why I put up such a fight with Divorce...I JUST wanted my family to stay together...:( It meant the world to me. I had to realize that I cant change a person...that I had to take care of ME and having a bottle of wine a night was NOT the way to do that. OR for Madie...who needs her mom!
My sweet girl is sick today and sleeping on her blanket next to me..I call it her Blanket Oasis... lol She is snoring thru her stuffy nose and I could not love her little self more. She keeps poppin her head up in typical madie fashion fighting her nap...but she overall in a decient mood..Ya still reek of sickies kiddo! lol

In Seizure news...well they have not been great...one a week..past month... :( We have been messing with her diet...Nutritionist and Doctor wants her OFF her Keto diet...Yes OFF. Bottom line is she is not growing and is not gaining weight and it is not healthy..:( Our choices were: Begin a regiment of Boost Kid Essentals 5.1... OR get her on the Gtube continuing the Ketocal diet....
Before I opt for tube in madies belly we are trying the BOOST. And with the messing around trying to just GET the stuff ordered and get enough and having to stop and continue due to ordering problems....sigh.... and the one seizure a week while all this is going down...is not encouraging. I also want to be on the same page with Dad about it too...
Now there are thoughts of what if the tube causes problems..what if she has it FOREVER? what if she NEVER eats real foods? What if what if what if??? :( SO....slow and steady one boost at a time...we wait. and pray she gains ANY weight..
IF IF seizures get even worse I am not going to hesitate to get her BACK on the diet...And sadly opt for the tube. I cant and wont watch her go thru seizure overload. Its a gamble. Its scary. I try my best to do this and make the right choices... Dad and I DO talk about it and are in an OK place and we dont hate each other (I hope) BUT I am the one who sees madie all week...IM the one who would have to clean and make sure her tube is ok...and worry while she is at school too. I feel she will be ok! I really do! I think it will help. AND if she was ON her Keto and getting the FULL diet instead of the half sippies she would eat.... the G.I team would be very good helping me figure it all out and ease my fears... and Madie would grow! What will this kiddo EAT? Nothing really...and if ur lucky enough a few spoonfuls of mush food...:( Very frustrating. I feel I have alot on my plate and I just try to go one day at a time...its all I can do.
I still have my days...and its been little over a year since I let him go his way....and I am a stronger person but its does not say that I dont miss him alot and wish he was here with us... I dont think his grass turned out greener...
I am going with BOOST Kid Essentals 1.5 with hopes...but I just dunno yet..Im kinda nervous about it. My Gut tells me we will end up with G Tube in the end... I dunno... TO be COntinued!
Well anyhoo.....Just want to get thru the Holiday standing tall and strong.
The Tree is up and plans for a Very Jersey Christmas are in full swing..
Hope all is well with everyone and all our kiddos..my tummy is hungry so time for something to eat while madie sleeps.
One Day at a time.
Is it just me or is a new post like a fresh brain fart....LOL

Happy Holidays Shmolidays.

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