Sunday, March 30, 2014

Baggage Claim.

I hate when I stray from my blog and go MIA for a little while...
Maybe I just don't know what to say.
Madie is well. We had some sickies a couple weeks ago and one big seizure both that kept her home for a few days on and off..it was a long two weeks. She is finally showing more energy and her little self if coming thru.
I have been ok. Its been so long since my little family has lived under one roof..what has been done had been done. I try to put myself out there in the romance world and I feel like I am still carrying the backpack.. suitcase..duffel bag.. purse...My Luggage...My Baggage. My world.
I so desperately miss my family...I don't know when I will be able to ease the ache in my heart. I just don't. There ARE nice guys out there. Guys who think Im pretty. Who don't mind if I have a little girl. Guys who want to make me happy...A guy who WANTS to be in my life. WANTS to have fun with me and is a gentleman...considers my feelings.....

I don't know what I am doing. I just dont. Miles and I still text just about every day..sometimes to just say Hi or share something funny or he will send me a madie picture from the weekend saying that she is doing good..or just saying something random like a funny movie we both enjoyed that may be on... Sigh Miles.....:( He is still pretty secretive but I guess that is expected in the new world he is in...I wonder if he is truly happy. When I talk to Miles it feels good. It feels safe...I cant help to get small glimpses of the man I used to know for all those years. Madies Dad. Loving Husband. NOt the Miles who hurt me beyond what my heart could take...
I don't know If I will ever understand him. I will always love him...he was just that guy.... (shrug)

I have been on a few dates..I wont lie...sigh...One in particular We seemed to connect and we talked a bit and we have some stuff in common. He was a gentleman on the date and paid for a nice dinner...after three dates Yeah...three! I was feeling that maybe there was a light at the end of my tunnel...that I could possibly move on.. I assure you nothing serious going on at this point in time but than suddenly I dont hear from him again. I said to myself that I would let him come to me...not to text or call or message...and well...its been about a day and half and nothing. Is he waiting for ME to say something? How do I do this shit? I will give benefit of doubt knowing that he is working all day today so maybe later on he will message me.. I dunno. I cant say that I am going to cry if I dont hear from him. I just cant get myself attached to anyone. I wonder if he wants to hang out again.??

After we ended out last date I cried.
Just cried. I missed Miles. plain and simple. Maybe that sounds pathetic...probably does. Heres a very nice guy(first one in awhile!) who possibly wants to DATE Me....ME!? Six tons of Baggage ME! Its been so long. I try to go with my Gut...I feel shallow.. I feel horrible. Leading him to thinking that maybe we could be an item..when Im not even sure right now.. I miss the companionship so much. I dont want to be with someone just to be with someone! Its wrong. I say at this point if he calls me eventually that maybe I should go on one more date and just put some thought into it..
Im terrified..I think I am open to this...


I dunno now I am kinda feeling that maybe I spilled too much in my blog today but this is also kind of a diary for me too.
RIght now it feels good to get the thoughts out..
I am looking forward to warmer weather and clothes lines and sunshine and strolling thru town with Madie in tow. Sandals and flip flops and painted toes. warm breezes and open windows. Bird and Bugs. open windows and cool nights. long days and short nights. Oh how depressing this long winter has been. I close my eyes and crave it more than anything.
And maybe throw in some inner peace mixed with Love. <3

Me.

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