A good Cry

NOt a day goes by when I dont need my father....I lost him in Highschool I was 16...how proud he would be of his granddaughter.... I did not see my father the day he passed...I was at school and when I came home from school he was aparently in the bedroom sleeping...the door was closed I had not clue anyone was home..when my mom and sister got h0me and found him in bed...abulances were called and he was already gone...Heart Attack.

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I guess I bragged to much...maybe I got too hopefull...maybe I just got my hopes to high....maybe I should just realize that seizures are going to be part of Madie's world weather we want them or not... they just DONT GO AWAY!!

Seizures are few...they are so strong when they do come...she is out of it for a good minute or 2...its pretty scary when she stares off into space after the initital physical part....and I say her name over and over and squeze her little hands and hold her tight.... She is so happy seizure free!! and sadly I have had tastes of this great mood and when it goes and you just wait for madie to come back to herself again it kills me....

WHEN is she going to have a chance without seizures?? Do I loose faith in Depakote????? Did I make the wrong call going down on her Zonegran?? I am so tired of this.... I feel so helpless..I feel like the seizures wont stop till they have robbed her of every sparkle she has!!! Sometimes I look at everyone else and feel that they always have something better than madie....like "oh..he can walk..or at least they can play with toys....OH and they are not looking at Adaptive strollers!

I dunno...I guess today I just needed a good cry Today....

Her PT and I talked about Preschool...a far fetched idea to me now but when madie goes there it will only be 3 days a week for 3 hours...and they will do sooo many things to help her learn...things I just cant do at home! I am scared to death of it but also excited to see what programs there are for her...

We had this whole talk about it and the stupid Adaptive stroller for her transportation needs...and when she talks about it she in "not so many words" acts like she doesnt think madie will walk some day.....and I want to scream at her and tell her where to put her WHEELCHAIR*@*!!.....

She means well and we like her alot..she just loves madie to pices...Its just makes me crazy!!.

Thinking about u all....next time a bit more uplifting huh??? I promise :)

Me