Monday, June 11, 2012

...and sometimes it hurts instead...

Jamie and Miles. What else was there?? We were a love story...such sweethearts when we were young..and crazy stupid.. 15 years I have known him..it is so hard for me to understand that he just doesnt love me anymore. I gave it my all to keep my small family together. The three of us. My Beautiful madie..she is already feeling tired and confused. I feel its my fault that I couldn't give him a normal child who can run and play like other kids... I could not fix this. I could not tell him I just wanted to take care of him enough...that when I married him I promise that to him.. I will miss his warmth. I will miss his kisses. I will miss the laughing. I will miss watching or favorite shows. I will miss pats on the behind. I will miss the nice home we made together..fixed up together...made our own together which will now have to go up for sale.... I will miss holding his hand. I will miss rubbing his back while he slept...I will miss making fart jokes and making up silly names for each other...I will miss going out to dinner and breakfast and people watching. I will miss....alot. I will miss being together...feeling warm and safe. A team. A team I thought could never loose. I tell him that this is HIS choice to give up and HIS choice to not try...he doesnt say much in protest...hes lost. Tells me he just wants a quick divorce. My heart sank. I cannot bring myself to remove my stunning wedding ring yet...as I look upon his empty finger... I was determined not to be a statistic!! Another couple with a special needs child who cant make time for each other and divorces. I am angry. I am confused. I am hurt. I feel like he is just giving up. running away. I called him a coward. I told him that one day he will wake up and realize hes an idiot.I hope someday he does.... I give into his hugs cause I just want one more...one more moment to hang on..one more moment when I feel safe and warm in his arms..I take any kiss he will give me just to kiss him one more time...even if hes kissing me out of guilt I just dont care... We are meeting with a Lawyer on the 19th...I made the appointment...I have a week to sit and get things and questions together that I may have. I have chosen Mediation. Where both of us will go and try to come to some kind of agreement on money and our daughter visitation. Please Send Prayers that me and my little (very fussy package) make it thru this. And pray that he finds himself...sigh.

2 comments:

charity said...

praying for you.

Zoey's mom, Heather said...

Oh Jamie, I am so,so very sorry. Sending you peace and strength for the journey ahead.Knowing that you will find your way. In time. you and that beautiful girl of yours.