Im still breathing!!

 Im still breathing!

I have learned that I do in fact have one reader still. LOL

Let be begin by saying its been a FEW yeARS! 

That last post was done less than a month before I decided to change my life forever! By change my life I dont mean come out of any closets or decide to be dude or shave my head... (that may be hot..)

"I am Jamie and I am an Alcoholic" had to come out of my mouth. YEP mama quit the sauce! The Ol Pino Grigio that kept me fueled for YEARS.. 

I dont know if I can be brutally honest about the turn of events that had me against the wall of utter defeat but it was alot.. And my ass was DONE! The absolute FEAR that overcame me was something I can never describe... I knew I had to get my shit together... BUT the ABSOLUTE JOY that has been brought on my sobriety has been the best I have felt in my mental health in YEARS! I celebrate 3 years and 4 months so far. And as long as Im here im never going back to that mess. 

Madie will be 18 in October! 18! that magic year when kids go off to college and or go get a JOB and move out of home.. That magic age when you can no longer get stuff or be on Mom and Dads car insurance..  GURL when I was 18 I was FAR from being an adult!  My sweet girl is only 80 pounds and to me is always a baby! To say that the future scares the shit out of me is an understatement..  The state of CT will school her during the day at a program of our choosing till she is 21 so I am NOT in full panic mode yet... These things have to be figured out and for me and my crazy overthinking mind its a Mortality Check! Im "only" 46 now and hell or broken backs I am going to haul this kid as long as I can. But the back is NOT happy these days and its not getting easier..

If anyone is still following seizures well Kiddo has been fairly good... We always just try to give her meds within certain times and so far well... shes been OK...not free but OK goooood! 

How do I even sum up the last 3 years?? 

I survived. I survived and got thru alot. I even fell for a grade A Narcissist as well! That was fun trauma bond to get thru! But I did NOT drink over it. Its been a year since I have even laid eyes on him and for that I am so grateful. 

Dad is doing good as much as I know anyways lol Re-Married and everything... I took it really bad I wont lie but when I began to work on myself I can honestly see now that 1. Shes not as weird as I thought  2. Shes not a boozer 3. She loves Madie too...  I can honestly say that I am at peace with it...   Who the heck knows where my partner in crime will be...  Im OK with just working on my own shit right now...

((hold music playing))

SO here we are... all this time later and spring is on horizon and kiddo is good...Im Good!  I have my moments but Im human...sometimes I dont know where to go with all that is in my head these days.. I will try to jump on here more or maybe think of a new blog? I dunno... lol

Till we meet again! heres some pics cause I KNOW you are sweating for them. 

ME

3 year coinage 

my happy place!

The end of an ERA 17 years with this car!!

and a typical kiddo.... LOL

xoxoxo

Play that funky music 🤪

 I miss how happy I was without even trying . I miss that girl.

 I miss family. I miss hugs. I miss cooking for people and I still cook too much for myself you don’t even want to see my freezer of baggies!😂

I cry a lot and I feel like what do I have to loose if I voice anger or TRUTHS..? I get it off my chest and I cry then I am back up and ready for a bad nights sleep and anxiety! It’s really great. I have to get things off my chest and it’s how I feel and I voice the truth! It calms me...

I Get to meet with new therapist next week maybe he or she can give me something to numb myself and my thoughts... she’s got the goodies!! (Ohhh thank God Jamie your a hot fucking mess!!)  🤪🤪🤪 

It’s Friday at last and kiddo will be home soon from her school day so a good bath and get her fed and off she goes to Dads... And Tater Tots house... Does she really think she has Mom skills?? 😂🤣😂🤣😂 I did keep busy today doing more laundry, grabbing lunch that made me totally sick to my stomach and grabbed Madies usual script at CVS.. while waiting for idiots in their cars to get tested for the Rona... I got really annoyed and just wanted these idiots out of my way so I could take 2.5 minutes to grab Madies med.... I was like omg if you THINK you have the Rona go to the walk in or the ER get your shit out Of the CVS drive thru!!!  Maybe these are just paranoid people??  Not saying Rona is a joke

Later ****

Sorry had a break it’s about dinner time now and I’ve got yet another killer pot of spaghetti sauce going for 12 people but it’s just me... omg it’s so good 😊 Cooking really chills me out and I tend to hoard food in my pantry when I get too many ideas!! I’m no Ina Garten who has her own gourmet farm (her recipes can get expensive but ohhhh that oven roaster is the BOMB)  I just really enjoy and it makes me happy even for just a moment  My Sketti sauce is my own btw...

It’s already getting dark out and the usual smells Of Fire pits and the noise of my neighbors table saw fill the air lol (he makes furniture and re furnishes stuff too) Doesn’t bother me... it’s just a warm night in Cville best little town ever. 

I remember being heartbroken when the families house sold they were just so anxious to get rid of it and move to the fancy beach...

No one told me about it and I cried... I used to go in and out of that house like I lived there... my home life with my Uncle was hard and I felt like I had new family.. I’m sure I’ve startled a few In their pajamas 🤣 I would have lived in a van down by the river to keep us together it didn’t matter! Sure beach houses are great who doesn’t want one of those! But in the end I felt just abandoned. 

I gave them all that beautyful little girl and no one even asks me how I’m doing once in awhile.... cause ohhh life is so great now who’s that off her rocker woman no one talks about anymore..??? That’s SO how it is or how it feels anyway...Out of sight out of mind is Me.  

I guess I am done speaking my mind tonight I really just want to ZOOM meet with some folks in an hour and probably watch a movie too.... at night I put my ocean waves on and I can sleep till 4am most nights before I wake up with anxiety 🤪

Be well everyone and I promise my blog will get better but I thank you for just letting me get feelings off my chest.... 

Madie is superb and back to school with her buddies it warms my heart how happy she is to be back

Me

Not powerless and Not Alone Just a survivor

 Everyone Loved him.. my family was so disappointed in his actions they took him into our family and loved him!!!

He has done as he did to me to EVERY woman. (Call me crazy it’s ok) Ok yeah he’s the greatest and the best husband to the most amazing gullible person that any family could ask for!!! . I learned a lot during all this and yes I cried my fucking eyes out till I had no more energy left!!! I surrounded myself with strong women and it was so powerful and after such a long time I SAW that everything makes sense....  That I am blessed with these new and old friends who weather they just talk to me or we schedule some good nights of dice and cards... we relate!!! And we are grown ass women and we have come out stronger because. Because we were manipulated, cheated on, begged to not have our hearts broken, STOOD the frick up and jacked up our big girl panties and made out!!! For that I see myself as lucky as blessed and better off!!!

I will Always have moments where I mourn the loss of my love...that funny as heck nerd I met at work years ago who made me always laugh... wore salvation army clothes and what he called his Lennon jacket... 😂  He gave me the best part of him that no one else can have it’s the sweetest lil imperfection 

And for that well... I’ll probably Allllllays be great black sheep but I exist and I survived and I’m strong as fuck. 

Love, Me 

Alone

 Does anyone even read this thing anymore? 

Well Madies Dad married his lady of just over a year and I have felt like I have been divorced for the second time and seeing the place it happened in I mid as well have been married in a garbage dump. 😭 Our cheap little banquet hall.... 

I liked his nerd sneakers... he was never one to go buy new ones and he’s got like 8 pairs of fancy sneakers now. I hate that. 

Please don’t leave me mean comments of Ohhhh get over it Jamie ... Please. 

I will be alone and I will have 72 cats to keep me company in my old age.  

I will blog soon again I promise but for now I just need to mourn the loss of my Nerd.

Me